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    dots Submission Name: Dead Flowersdots

    Author: Esophagus1
    Elite Ratio:    3.6 - 231/279/149
    Words: 135
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 670
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 893


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDead Flowersdots

    Awoken in the sleep of reason
    Now it's the feeding season.

    To that which we try to extend
    time will bring untimely end.

    Do you love your whore?
    Do you love her whole(hole)?

    A pathway bathed in sunshine.
    A bright road to the sublime.

    I think I heard her screaming;
    howling like the djinn dreaming.

    If there was one wish we had
    we'd wish for plague and the dead.

    Clouds of insects darken the sun
    as everything yells and runs

    All the dead things rise to life
    and the living ones left with strife.

    As we round the corner to doom
    I watch the dead flowers bloom.

    Go ahead and kill us
    We're still us.

    The blossom that comes alive
    as it devours the butterfly.

    Submitted on 2013-05-26 11:38:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Indeed your rhymes where captivating, and between the couplets they swept me away, but they don't convey an image together, furthermore at the middle it wavers and breaks down as well. While if you take each 2 verses per say, they each manage to portray their intentions quite well, while if I try to gather them and watch them all dance together, they all seem to be doing their own thing regardles of the music that's playing.
    Your story didn't get across, not all, just bits and pieces, shards of memories, shards of a future, shards of reality and yet just shards.
    Do more with this ! I really like this piece ! MORE MORE MORE ! I want to be swept away by the rythm, make the verses waltz, make the feelings flow, show me a bright image. Dazzle me, intoxicate me !
    | Posted on 2013-05-31 00:00:00 | by Akiko Hime | [ Reply to This ]
      You do a great job with flow. I've always been fond of poems that run through with rhyming couplets. However, I fear that you've lost meaning for the sake of your rhymes.

    I get lost in the confusing imagery. Do Djinn's howl in their dreams? Why would they, dreams are pleasant. Or is it that happy Djinns sound like screaming ladies? What was awoken in the sleep of reason? Is the sleep of reason occurring in the present, the past, the future? Why do we all want to wish for plagues and the dead? I feel as though I'm missing the key needed to break the encryption you've used on your poem. Am I just unable to understand it because I'm not well read enough, or because I don't have the memories needed to truly understand it. To this I ask you, do you believe your intended audience will understand the imagery? Really question why they would.

    Now the "Do you love your whore? \ Do you love her whole?" couplet comes out of no where in my opinion. And I don't think you make the most use of breaking the meter with them. I awkwardly stumble around this part as I am forced to change the beat. Furthermore, your beat isn't really established yet because your opening line has nine syllables instead of seven like the next line, eight like the one after, and seven like the fourth. I find the start harsh. Perhaps those lines would fit better after we wish for death, and then it makes a nice transition as the death wish seems to be coming true. That'll also make it clear that your sunny pathway is the way to an untimely end (wait is it supposed to be)

    All in all, I don't get it. And that could be my fault. But if you wanted me to get it, then I think some thing needs to change. I mean... its not a poem about global warming is it?
    | Posted on 2013-05-28 00:00:00 | by Erreur | [ Reply to This ]

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