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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Deaf, Blind, and Dumbdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Esophagus1
    Elite Ratio:    3.6 - 231/279/149
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 787
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 574



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeaf, Blind, and Dumbdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Fear guide leads ever onward.
    Each clue a dark mirrors shard.

    Blind outside the perfect black.
    We'll never be getting back.

    Blind to our own hate.
    We've sealed our fate.

    Our own redemption
    is but a skeleton

    Laid out before us to gain,
    but secretly never be obtained.

    We make no choice matter,
    but instead only watch it shatter.

    no life, no free-will, no choice but to be.
    To be mute, blind, and deaf is to really see.




    Submitted on 2013-06-01 18:53:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think you've brought a promising theme to the table and while maybe some punctuation would help give the poem some traction, I grasped what you were trying to say within the second read-through.

    So I find it clear in ways what you're trying to say but ambiguous in others. People float through life aimlessly trying to find their purpose, it's something we notice in ourselves from time to time and in others the rest of the time. You equate this lack of purpose to being blind, mute, and deaf or perhaps the willingness to deny an opportunity in life though it stares you in the face. However in life we see the less unfortunate and want to strive for the betterment of ourselves in finance, health, property, job security, whatever defines success to you. But I also find in American society in particular, that people want more for less work. You condense these factors of modern society into basic terms of acknowledgement for the subject of the poem.

    "Blind outside the perfect black" makes me think that actual reality isn't worth being fully aware, and that's where I start being able to why you say being blind, mute, and deaf is similar to actual reality. The reality we live in can be mind-numbing at times to where it doesn't seem like we need to use our senses to get through the monotony of modern day living.

    Suppression of emotion will never be equal to self-actualized clarity however, even if the emotion is all rage and blind hatred as you described. I actually find clarity not to be the absence of emotion, but the bounty of it.


    There are some contradictions that may make some of my previous commentary confusing but allow me to explain what I considered contradictory. Particularly in lines:

    We make no choice matter,
    but instead only watch it shatter.


    I define a choice as picking one of at least two options that are available. Whatever's shattering (which could use some clarification, is it the redemption?) was deliberately watched by the speaker. That's a choice. The speaker didn't save whatever shattered. No attempt to catch it. That's a choice in my opinion. Like it's a choice for people to live one way and another, another. Doesn't mean one is worse, just different.
    | Posted on 2013-06-21 00:00:00 | by Dolor | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it. I needs a little work though.
    Like a well placed comma.

    " The fear guide leads ever onward
    Each clue, a dark mirror's shard"

    I like how it makes me feel. I had a dark time long ago it brings me back and makes me feel it.

    even if theres a few things no perfect to make someone feel emotion is the sign of great writes.

    Keep it up :-)
    | Posted on 2013-06-12 00:00:00 | by MsUnderstood | [ Reply to This ]


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