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Sitting in an emotional soup.
Liquid depression boiling over..
A mixture seasoned with chaos, irritation, and psychotic rage.
I want to live..
I'm so sick of this island.
The isolation is maddening.
I want to build a boat from your bones.
Live on the sea eating your muscles.
Shelter myself from the storms with your flesh.
Craft a sail out of your innards..
You will die,
As have I, inside..
Rot in the cell,
Of your own hand made hell.
Only time will tell..
Once the reaper rings that bell..
Just how far from grace you fell.
| Ok, first off let me just say I think the other two comments are bs, no offense guys I dont know what bruce is trying to say, but its whatever, Ill give you an honest review.|
The first part was great actually, a little weird on the adjectives but the metaphor came together. The second part however seems awfully disconnected from the piece itself, and I get where you are going with it, but it has to come together with the first and last verse. I was actually averse to reading it after a second because of the foul descriptions of everything, but I understand there is a certain kind of feeling you wanted to create, albeit violent and psychotic, but I understand.
I would say look over your adjectives and see if you can replace some for words of a 'lighter' tone, and maybe that will balance the piece. Its a lot better than some of the stuff ive read on here. Let me know if I can help in any way, you did well. -bill
|| Posted on 2013-07-10 00:00:00 | by Big_Bill789 | [ Reply to This ] || i really liked the poem. it really pulls the reader in, forcing them to think of their own situations and how these words could be theirs. i loved it.||| Posted on 2013-07-02 00:00:00 | by gwenn sundala | [ Reply to This ] || Some pathologically psychopathic on that psychosomatic aimed idiosyncratic for you. Enigma entity is what somatology and histophysiology make it armed morphology's metamorphic. Intrinsically endemic is of indigenously innate. The cognate obdurate and the agnate up aimed futurity cudgel. Kinesiology kleptomania, embark embargo extraditions, euthanasia extortion. I wouldn't have wanted to fall so far from grace, nonetheless vindictiveness vendetta vehemence has its limits, we wouldn't want to start a plague. Just look at all those rotting souls down there.|
|| Posted on 2013-07-01 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ] |