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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Contradicted me || part 9dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MyPeriodical
    ASL Info:    18/m/pr
    Elite Ratio:    4.32 - 288/229/264
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Deep Thought/Love
    Total Views: 691
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 780



    Description:
       


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    dots Contradicted me || part 9dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Whilst having no words; I sincerely believe that my heart hasn't attached itself with you by strings, but with the sheering burn of a fire extinguisher then ice cold wind to cool the melt.
    And though with this not even a stroke could shake my Earth, an all-too-different sentiment had made way through the maze of my ribs and sat on my chest with the heaviest weight I had ever felt; I find myself drowning in dreams.

    I have fooled myself, I believe.

    Without much difficulty, I realize that if my eyes can find you, I may survive, but without sight I might just drive myself mad trying to see you. So without surfacing to breath, I open eyes beneath acidic water and blind myself simply because of how selfless yet selfish I have become.




    Submitted on 2013-07-21 21:26:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was intensely emotional. It`s not written in my favored form, I tend to go more for the traditional pieces with rhymes and a boring traditional rhythm/form, simply because I am not as good when it comes to reading modern, free form pieces (nor am I very good at commenting on them, so keep that in mind). Which is why I am not sure if I perceive this as somewhat messy in form because of my own limitations, or if you could have perhaps written it in shorter sequences (the one line on its own in the middle there was perfectly placed!).

    That said, you have some astonishing imagery here. I particularly loved the last full sentence;

    So without surfacing to breath, I open eyes beneath acidic water and blind myself simply because of how selfless yet selfish I have become.

    It was beautifully written and really intense!

    but with the sheering burn of a fire extinguisher then ice cold wind to cool the melt.

    This part I had some trouble with, and had to read three times to comprehend. I assume it`s the contradiction of a burn made by a fire extinguisher you wanted? In which case, it`s pretty brilliant. I guess I would have skipped a line down

    Whilst having no words; I sincerely believe that my heart hasn't attached itself with you by strings,
    but with the sheering burn of a fire extinguisher then ice cold wind to cool the melt.

    Or something like that, so that the flow would be a little better, hence making it easier to read.

    But again, maybe it`s the modern form used here that confuses me, it`s not my strength when it comes to poetry. It was really quite intense and emotional, and I love that kind of poetry. I myself write more locked form, locked flow, and could probably do well with tearing myself from the controlled form I usually do, I think your form is better for showcasing strong emotion, having an impact. So, I guess my opinion after reading this is that it could still have been cleaned up a bit in form and flow, but the imagery is stunning and the emotion clear and intense! Wonderful read, really!
    | Posted on 2013-07-24 00:00:00 | by ChrystalR | [ Reply to This ]


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