[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Battles in Spacedots

    Author: ChrystalR
    ASL Info:    23/Female/Norway
    Elite Ratio:    5.14 - 126/121/58
    Words: 148
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 612
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 867

       A poem about struggles and life, wrapped around a few metaphors. I seem to have a thing for disguising things behind spaceships lately. My second piece after having been out of the writing game for a while. Not sure how to "type" this one. Serious? Dark?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBattles in Spacedots


    In endless space floats a dire ship wee
    Too frail to contend she fears the debris
    But not more so, than the battle ahead
    A battle fought by frigates, black and red

    What chance in space has the dwarfish ship?
    Unequipped, without allies, her existence a quip
    Dodging the green beams aimed for her gut
    Through her weaker interior they easily cut

    Her dreams of victory, forgotten long ago
    In the end she will be the road-kill crow
    Yet the battles last, and the crew despair
    Over the odds so low and her faith unfair

    Inferior ships cannot hope to win
    The army tags passed to the next of kin
    But as long as she flies, she`ll dodge and dare
    Spite life and battle; the hopeless affair


    Submitted on 2013-07-24 04:27:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I knew once I read the title what I was in for and don't know why I continued...

    Ok I appreciate it for what it is, the jargon and phrasing fit everything in that realm perfectly, the tone, flow and vocabulary fit.

    On the other hand I cannot stand the idea that you even attempted to build a deeper metaphor in the over all piece for struggle of life. Beyond the few dash in lines blatantly. ( 3, 9 )

    I just cannot agree to the symbolism- I don't see it anything beyond forced if it does exist.

    | Posted on 2013-07-28 00:00:00 | by HisNameIsNoMore | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the way this kind of puts you there. We can forever root for the under dog, the whole basis of true heroism.
    | Posted on 2013-07-25 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      This was pretty deep, sire. This piece has a lot of symbolism and like you said in your description, metaphor. I enjoyed this a lot not only because it's written fantastically, but because the theme and rhymes are just spot on amazing. Definitely a favorite, thanks for sharing - really.
    | Posted on 2013-07-24 00:00:00 | by MyPeriodical | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    To written by SavedDragon
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Giving written by jjd
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Wavelength written by saartha
    The Promise written by annie0888
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]