Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Battles in Spacedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ChrystalR
    ASL Info:    23/Female/Norway
    Elite Ratio:    5.14 - 126/121/58
    Words: 148
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 545
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 867



    Description:
       A poem about struggles and life, wrapped around a few metaphors. I seem to have a thing for disguising things behind spaceships lately. My second piece after having been out of the writing game for a while. Not sure how to "type" this one. Serious? Dark?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBattles in Spacedots
    -------------------------------------------


    ***

    In endless space floats a dire ship wee
    Too frail to contend she fears the debris
    But not more so, than the battle ahead
    A battle fought by frigates, black and red

    What chance in space has the dwarfish ship?
    Unequipped, without allies, her existence a quip
    Dodging the green beams aimed for her gut
    Through her weaker interior they easily cut

    Her dreams of victory, forgotten long ago
    In the end she will be the road-kill crow
    Yet the battles last, and the crew despair
    Over the odds so low and her faith unfair

    Inferior ships cannot hope to win
    The army tags passed to the next of kin
    But as long as she flies, she`ll dodge and dare
    Spite life and battle; the hopeless affair

    ***




    Submitted on 2013-07-24 04:27:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I knew once I read the title what I was in for and don't know why I continued...

    Ok I appreciate it for what it is, the jargon and phrasing fit everything in that realm perfectly, the tone, flow and vocabulary fit.

    On the other hand I cannot stand the idea that you even attempted to build a deeper metaphor in the over all piece for struggle of life. Beyond the few dash in lines blatantly. ( 3, 9 )

    I just cannot agree to the symbolism- I don't see it anything beyond forced if it does exist.

    -Dustin
    | Posted on 2013-07-28 00:00:00 | by HisNameIsNoMore | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the way this kind of puts you there. We can forever root for the under dog, the whole basis of true heroism.
    | Posted on 2013-07-25 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      This was pretty deep, sire. This piece has a lot of symbolism and like you said in your description, metaphor. I enjoyed this a lot not only because it's written fantastically, but because the theme and rhymes are just spot on amazing. Definitely a favorite, thanks for sharing - really.
    | Posted on 2013-07-24 00:00:00 | by MyPeriodical | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    197665

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry