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    dots Submission Name: Mine and Oursdots

    Author: lebeauvide
    ASL Info:    24/F
    Elite Ratio:    2.29 - 75/295/165
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 647
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 786


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMine and Oursdots

    Mine will be the lips that press themselves against your ear and whisper in a voice shaking with excitement, "Wake up.
    It's Christmas."

    Mine will be the eyes that will catch your wishes on New Year's Eve, and ring in that shining new day standing next to you on the porch of the house that you grew up in.

    Mine will be the hands that cut out a thousand paper hearts and put them on strings for you and write something that I love about you
    on each and every one.

    Ours will be a life worth remembering, and our likenesses will be painted on the walls of subterranean caverns, made permanent and on display for all the world do see.

    Ours will be the future, because we have chosen to seize it.

    Submitted on 2013-07-31 19:40:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I disagree with both of the former posters; I thoroughly enjoy the cavern part of the poem. It's actually my favorite line and I feel it fits very well.

    And- while both former readers seemed to get happiness out of the piece I actually felt negativity. It is you that is doing all of the nice things- painstakingly cutting out a thousand hearts and thinking of a thousand things. You are at the house They grew up in. It is you who wakes up first in excitement. The rest of it is both of yours- it seems like it's saying, "what's mine is yours and what's yours as ours". As though you give more than They do. Whether or not this is the case I'm uncertain, but it's definitely what I was thinking about and feeling when I read the piece. What ever the case, good job again.
    | Posted on 2013-10-22 00:00:00 | by KotaNashi | [ Reply to This ]
      I will need to revisit this piece. I agree with HisNameIsNoMore about the giddiness. It breathes of an innocence. Young love. A first love when pain from losing it hasn't been experienced. A youthful exuberance. I also agree about the subterranean line. It's abrupt. Drops out of nowhere and hits the reader on the head. I would suggest revising this piece if you haven't already. It evokes good feelings at the start. It would be good to have those feelings follow through to the end without caverns.
    | Posted on 2013-08-04 00:00:00 | by CNPerry | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the warm giddy feeling that this piece inspires. That intangible love. The subject and flow went nice until you reach the forth section. The caves comment doesn't fit, I understand the impact of saying what was said but it just doesn't flow well. It stands out as the odd ball in the group, all the other points coincide with one another. That was the only qualm I had, otherwise keep it up.

    | Posted on 2013-08-01 00:00:00 | by HisNameIsNoMore | [ Reply to This ]

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