Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bite.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lebeauvide
    ASL Info:    24/F
    Elite Ratio:    2.29 - 75/295/165
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 609
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 564



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBite.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I woke up this morning,
    biting your name in half behind clenched teeth.
    Grinding it across the roof of my mouth, swallowing it down with that lump in my throat that appears
    every time I turn to talk to you and realize
    that you are gone.

    My life is covered in your latent prints.
    I can feel them, but I can't see them until
    I roll myself in the graphite dust that is guilt,
    the ultra violet light that is my own conscience.
    I should have gone with you.
    I should have gone with you.




    Submitted on 2013-08-01 00:45:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      My life is covered in your latent prints


    I enjoy that line the most.
    The piece is visual and engages each sense in some way.

    The repeated last two lines didn't play well together in my mind.
    Overall I think this is an alright piece. I think it could be made better. But I suppose any piece could.
    | Posted on 2013-08-02 00:00:00 | by CNPerry | [ Reply to This ]
      ...tis the teeth, ground to powder
    like the pumice of a broken hope
    snapped like stumps on granite anger
    "calcium deprived," she wrote...

    Just my thoughts on your own.
    | Posted on 2013-08-01 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't like it. I see it as angst and cliché. If you're going to do angst, make sure you turn it into a story per se, something unique with a hook, perhaps a melody. What you've just wrote I've read a thousand times before with similar words and similar phrasing. I might even have a piece to this affect. Work on it, reconstruct it, keep what you like, move on from this piece. A detraction from the skill of the previous one I read.


    -Dustin
    | Posted on 2013-08-01 00:00:00 | by HisNameIsNoMore | [ Reply to This ]
      I would have read it with more of a pause between the penultimate and ultimate line.... I simply wish there was a way in which to properly convey that through writing. The rest of it I adored.

    I would dare say even "I bite."

    Marc
    | Posted on 2013-08-01 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    197700

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    All Time Low written by Janesaddiction
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Aftermath and Waltz written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Legends written by poetotoe
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    Lunch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    When Crows Tick on Windows written by metallichick786
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Limbo written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Convergence written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Epilogue written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    A Fire! A Knife! A Black Crow Calls! written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Bam written by Daniel Barlow
    Born of the Mouth written by MyPeriodical
    Love and Solitaire written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Blood to Plowshares written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
    By the bar written by expiring_touch
    Skulls Beyond the Palisade written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Incubus written by monad
    The Search written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry