[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Bite.dots

    Author: lebeauvide
    ASL Info:    24/F
    Elite Ratio:    2.29 - 75/295/165
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 576
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 564


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I woke up this morning,
    biting your name in half behind clenched teeth.
    Grinding it across the roof of my mouth, swallowing it down with that lump in my throat that appears
    every time I turn to talk to you and realize
    that you are gone.

    My life is covered in your latent prints.
    I can feel them, but I can't see them until
    I roll myself in the graphite dust that is guilt,
    the ultra violet light that is my own conscience.
    I should have gone with you.
    I should have gone with you.

    Submitted on 2013-08-01 00:45:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      My life is covered in your latent prints

    I enjoy that line the most.
    The piece is visual and engages each sense in some way.

    The repeated last two lines didn't play well together in my mind.
    Overall I think this is an alright piece. I think it could be made better. But I suppose any piece could.
    | Posted on 2013-08-02 00:00:00 | by CNPerry | [ Reply to This ]
      ...tis the teeth, ground to powder
    like the pumice of a broken hope
    snapped like stumps on granite anger
    "calcium deprived," she wrote...

    Just my thoughts on your own.
    | Posted on 2013-08-01 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't like it. I see it as angst and cliché. If you're going to do angst, make sure you turn it into a story per se, something unique with a hook, perhaps a melody. What you've just wrote I've read a thousand times before with similar words and similar phrasing. I might even have a piece to this affect. Work on it, reconstruct it, keep what you like, move on from this piece. A detraction from the skill of the previous one I read.

    | Posted on 2013-08-01 00:00:00 | by HisNameIsNoMore | [ Reply to This ]
      I would have read it with more of a pause between the penultimate and ultimate line.... I simply wish there was a way in which to properly convey that through writing. The rest of it I adored.

    I would dare say even "I bite."

    | Posted on 2013-08-01 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Azores written by poetotoe
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Ache written by rev.jpfadeproof
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Love written by saartha
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Cover written by saartha
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Carry written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    True Death written by layDsayD
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Brigit written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]