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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bite.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lebeauvide
    ASL Info:    24/F
    Elite Ratio:    2.29 - 75/295/165
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 525
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 564



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBite.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I woke up this morning,
    biting your name in half behind clenched teeth.
    Grinding it across the roof of my mouth, swallowing it down with that lump in my throat that appears
    every time I turn to talk to you and realize
    that you are gone.

    My life is covered in your latent prints.
    I can feel them, but I can't see them until
    I roll myself in the graphite dust that is guilt,
    the ultra violet light that is my own conscience.
    I should have gone with you.
    I should have gone with you.




    Submitted on 2013-08-01 00:45:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      My life is covered in your latent prints


    I enjoy that line the most.
    The piece is visual and engages each sense in some way.

    The repeated last two lines didn't play well together in my mind.
    Overall I think this is an alright piece. I think it could be made better. But I suppose any piece could.
    | Posted on 2013-08-02 00:00:00 | by CNPerry | [ Reply to This ]
      ...tis the teeth, ground to powder
    like the pumice of a broken hope
    snapped like stumps on granite anger
    "calcium deprived," she wrote...

    Just my thoughts on your own.
    | Posted on 2013-08-01 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't like it. I see it as angst and cliché. If you're going to do angst, make sure you turn it into a story per se, something unique with a hook, perhaps a melody. What you've just wrote I've read a thousand times before with similar words and similar phrasing. I might even have a piece to this affect. Work on it, reconstruct it, keep what you like, move on from this piece. A detraction from the skill of the previous one I read.


    -Dustin
    | Posted on 2013-08-01 00:00:00 | by HisNameIsNoMore | [ Reply to This ]
      I would have read it with more of a pause between the penultimate and ultimate line.... I simply wish there was a way in which to properly convey that through writing. The rest of it I adored.

    I would dare say even "I bite."

    Marc
    | Posted on 2013-08-01 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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