[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Bite.dots

    Author: lebeauvide
    ASL Info:    24/F
    Elite Ratio:    2.29 - 75/295/165
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 597
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 564


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I woke up this morning,
    biting your name in half behind clenched teeth.
    Grinding it across the roof of my mouth, swallowing it down with that lump in my throat that appears
    every time I turn to talk to you and realize
    that you are gone.

    My life is covered in your latent prints.
    I can feel them, but I can't see them until
    I roll myself in the graphite dust that is guilt,
    the ultra violet light that is my own conscience.
    I should have gone with you.
    I should have gone with you.

    Submitted on 2013-08-01 00:45:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      My life is covered in your latent prints

    I enjoy that line the most.
    The piece is visual and engages each sense in some way.

    The repeated last two lines didn't play well together in my mind.
    Overall I think this is an alright piece. I think it could be made better. But I suppose any piece could.
    | Posted on 2013-08-02 00:00:00 | by CNPerry | [ Reply to This ]
      ...tis the teeth, ground to powder
    like the pumice of a broken hope
    snapped like stumps on granite anger
    "calcium deprived," she wrote...

    Just my thoughts on your own.
    | Posted on 2013-08-01 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't like it. I see it as angst and cliché. If you're going to do angst, make sure you turn it into a story per se, something unique with a hook, perhaps a melody. What you've just wrote I've read a thousand times before with similar words and similar phrasing. I might even have a piece to this affect. Work on it, reconstruct it, keep what you like, move on from this piece. A detraction from the skill of the previous one I read.

    | Posted on 2013-08-01 00:00:00 | by HisNameIsNoMore | [ Reply to This ]
      I would have read it with more of a pause between the penultimate and ultimate line.... I simply wish there was a way in which to properly convey that through writing. The rest of it I adored.

    I would dare say even "I bite."

    | Posted on 2013-08-01 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Giving written by jjd
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Summer written by layDsayD
    This written by Chelebel
    Bond written by saartha
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    To written by SavedDragon
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]