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    dots Submission Name: Concertodots

    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 69
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 524
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 399


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    The pious line up to rub hands with angels.
    Autonomous shells fall into place,
    searching for grace.

    Amongst the meek reassurance echos cries of finality,
    touching all selfish shoulders with a need to be free.

    In the blur they all bat their eyes at the thought of stars where there are no edges,
    smiling in their seats aimed at heaven.

    Submitted on 2013-09-18 06:19:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The first line suggests to me the  "holy I am" hand reaching where angels dwell.
    2nd line the self esteemed thoughts clad in, been removed and then begging to be recognised.
    3rd to 4th lines not clear whether the meek search for assurance to be finally freed from what is not acceptable.
    5th to last the blurr suggest not clearly seeing beyond the stars whether they may reach heaven.
    Well overall I agree needs some polishing allthough I find the writing really well expressed. Keep the good work.
    | Posted on 2013-09-22 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]
      This seems like it was a quick thought you had. It also seems sadly unfinished. I like the use of the technical words you used like "Autonomous" and "Finality". I enjoy using obscure words, or words that are tricky to the eye.

    Over all it just seems like a quit write that was not given much time. You have a beautiful draft and start, why not give it more work? If you would describe why and how the pious line up. Or why and how "they all bat their eyes at the thought of stars where there are no edges," or maybe a line or two describing what actually is, because it is unclear to the reader exactly what is.

    Take no offense, I'm not a talented writer myself. I'm just giving you some ideas. ;-)

    | Posted on 2013-09-20 00:00:00 | by siroez | [ Reply to This ]

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