Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Good dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ForgottenGraves
    ASL Info:    20, Male
    Elite Ratio:    0.41 - 5/110/127
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 355
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 548



    Description:
       Teofila helped him finish this one, please go thank her.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Good dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I have taken this body
    I have taken this soul
    He is mine for the keeping
    This boy that I stole
    I am the demon
    Now calling the shots
    Just try and stop me
    You think your so hot
    This heart has faded into darkness
    Such is a tempted hearts nature
    That darkness grows
    Crushing and consuming
    It is completely black now
    A beating
    Black
    Emotionless heart
    And it belongs to only one
    He is a good...
    Well...
    "Friend"




    Submitted on 2013-11-12 17:04:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This starts out with a decent flow and a pretty basic but workable rhyme scheme, then about halfway through degrades to inconsistency. If you're gonna start with a rhyme scheme and rhythm, stick with it as much as you can- or at least have some kind of transition. That way it's less choppy. This poem almost feels like you cut its legs off and then crudely sewed them onto its chest. Don't be an amateur surgeon! :P

    Anyway, thanks for sharing as always, and keep writing!
    | Posted on 2013-11-19 00:00:00 | by TheSnoitart | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    198234

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A bit of Pain written by teika5

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry