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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You didn't break medots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: pixie_007
    Elite Ratio:    3.36 - 45/77/63
    Words: 178
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 358
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1048



    Description:
       i think he thinks i still think the world of him. unfortunately for him,i'm in another dimension already.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou didn't break medots
    -------------------------------------------


    As you open this email and read it silently
    My life continues to revolve just around me...


    "Trapped in the four corners of your screen
    lies my hopes and plans and future dreams

    The promises made and all of those i kept
    I gave you everything i had with no regret

    Still you wanted your cake as to eat it too
    And now here i am alone without you.

    Oh don't get me wrong,nothing feels better
    than living my life with us not together

    Now i can breathe and lift my head up high
    and smile at those faces who always saw me cry

    And you dear ex-lover have but only yourself to blame
    Because now you have nothing and no one to love again

    You poor little man, i could almost feel sorry for you
    But i can't because i have more important things to do

    I am content that you are no longer part of me
    No chains, locks or cages, I can finally breathe...




    Submitted on 2013-11-16 14:01:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Thanks for the critics guys, completely appreciated and sincerely grateful. @ Wolfwatching, I may not have done it right this time either but what you said about my kids sounding like trophies.... Well, that's the last thing I want to portray them as. So I changed the last two lines and maybe its better and maybe its not, but it kinda makes sense to me.
    | Posted on 2015-04-17 00:00:00 | by pixie_007 | [ Reply to This ]
      The message of empowerment is strong throughout the poem and effectively conveyed. The writing is eloquent and in particular the way that you work in modern communication of e-mails etc. You seem to take a rhythmic approach to your lines and while I think you could do more they are effective and drive the poem along.
    Unfortunately I think the last two lines are tonally off. I see how you tried tot take some of the punch out of it by saying "the saddest thing is" thereby trying to equate the idea of the children being the ones who lose out. But given the rest of the poems content, by the sheer placing of this line as the ending it makes the children seem rather like trophies. Things to be had and taken away for whatever reason. The rest of your poem is too affirmative in the "look at me, what will you do without me" sense and the ending which has not been built too before hand come across more in a mean and unfeeling way than the quais-sympathetic way you may have intended. All this in light of the rest of the poem, which for what it was seemed to be getting things right.
    | Posted on 2013-11-17 00:00:00 | by Wolfwatching | [ Reply to This ]
      This hits hard, and flows really well. I think it's the perfect length. Not short. Not long. Concise and to the point.

    "Oh don't get me wrong, nothing feels better
    than living my life with us not together"

    zing

    I hope to see more writes. I really like this style. It's inspirational.
    | Posted on 2013-11-17 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]


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