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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: portraitdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jeniecel
    ASL Info:    28/f/philippines
    Elite Ratio:    3.22 - 313/373/169
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 2754
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 560



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsportraitdots
    -------------------------------------------


    All visions of me
    are drifting murmurs of a far-off river,
    or a city heavy by streets of recurring paths,
    but never of flowers to mean you,
    who forever I don't deserve.

    what is it you see?
    Perhaps, a surging image of the next moment
    of who I am yet to become
    never who I was
    with every flaws that sting in my dream.

    You, still at large
    figuring what I am not
    My depths struggled in the night
    not in your pillow

    no..





    Submitted on 2013-12-03 01:36:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Felt soaring with the first stanza, it really took off. Something's very disturbing is made through your consistent images, of irreconcilability.
    This one felt like a jolt after reading your "like a hollow", which feels like a companion piece.
    | Posted on 2014-01-08 00:00:00 | by Snow9 | [ Reply to This ]
      I adore this. Is it from the perspective of the portrait or the one who appreciates it?

    "with every flaws that sting in my dream" - that line might need some touching up. Tenses and pluralities are messed up a bit.

    Suggest

    "never who I was
    while every flaw stings in my dream(s)"

    or

    "never who I am
    with every flaw stinging in my dream(s)"

    You used the word every, so flaw doesn't have to be plural.. and I tried to make it so your tenses matched up. Anyway... enjoyed the write a lot. I absolutely hate giving criticism so take it with a grain of salt. Just thought I'd mention that line seemed to read a little off. Take care, hope things are well in your world.
    | Posted on 2013-12-05 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]


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