I think I liked parts of the first version better but it's been so long since I read it I can't remember which parts. I don't remember there being anything about sin in the first one....
The fog that remains just beyond
The edge of a canopied marsh
As gloom is sifted out of day.
this is an incomplete sentence...maybe if you took out the period and compared time to fog? Is that what you meant?
I don't know why there has to be sin in the heat shimmer of a lover's eyes.
I like the poem on the surface but when I try to make sense out of it I fail. I wish I had more time to go at it line by line but I just don't. Do you still have the original? Can I see it? I think I liked it much better.