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    dots Submission Name: shimmerdots

    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 759
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4537


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


                             The depth of dark despair
                             Is melting from our hard
                             Won reality.
                             We are become the illusive heart

                             The sum of us lives within
                             The heat shimmer
                             That haunts a lovers eyes

                             We belong on mountain roads at twilight.
                             And like
                             The fog that remains just beyond
                             The edge of a canopied marsh
                             As gloom is sifted out of day,
                             Time is not ours to sustain.

                             There is no forever
                             Only this moment
                             Of ever

                             We must make it our own.

                             Love may only exist
                             Between this next eye blink
                             And our first kiss
                             May become our greatest pleasure
                             Or our deepest pain
                             But we shall
                             Earn our wings

    Submitted on 2013-12-31 11:37:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      The sum of us lives within

    excellent change and the other line reads better too.

    Overall it makes more sense now.

    Interestingly, I am tending to think the opposite is true pertaining to the following lines but it's nice to see your optimism:

    The depth of dark despair
    Is melting from our hard
    Won reality.

    But we shall
    Earn our wings

    How and when, I wonder?

    | Posted on 2014-01-06 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      I think I liked parts of the first version better but it's been so long since I read it I can't remember which parts. I don't remember there being anything about sin in the first one....

    And like
    The fog that remains just beyond
    The edge of a canopied marsh
    As gloom is sifted out of day.
    this is an incomplete sentence...maybe if you took out the period and compared time to fog? Is that what you meant?

    I don't know why there has to be sin in the heat shimmer of a lover's eyes.

    I like the poem on the surface but when I try to make sense out of it I fail. I wish I had more time to go at it line by line but I just don't. Do you still have the original? Can I see it? I think I liked it much better.

    Happy New year.
    | Posted on 2014-01-05 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]

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