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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Unfittingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: OneDarkFlame92
    ASL Info:    23/m/Numeanor
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 455/419/222
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 792
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 995



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnfittingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    He brought that feeling
    that carried your tune
    and i've got burdens too--

    i just don't hold them well...

    not like a song anyways;
    not like a memory
    from way back
    you wouldn't know i was alive then
    but i've got memories too...

    i suppose...

    not ones you'd want to hear about;
    a sad boy in his room
    waiting for the world
    to bring him to you

    :

    but could i play a song for you--
    could i do a thing, or two
    i'd do them all,
    but we know how that works
    just like when i "help" and make everything worse

    :

    He carried that feeling
    you carried that tune.
    I sat defeated
    alone in my room.

    I'd carry your heart
    if i let you go free
    would you seek out riches and art,
    would you still cling to me?




    Submitted on 2014-02-11 02:00:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This COULD be so touching--it caught my eye and my heart--- I think I know what you mean--


    For me , the weakest section, ( after an intriguing and poignant intro--) was-----
    " but could i play a song for you--
    could i do a thing, or two
    i'd do them all,
    but we know how that works
    just like when i "help" and make everything worse"---

    that last line in particular seems a bit weak----tweak it please--YELLl, don't whisper or muse-----say what you mean--- and this will be a truly meaningful write.
    Regards'
    Silver
    | Posted on 2014-02-20 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]


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