[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Butterfly Strokedots

    Author: MyPeriodical
    ASL Info:    18/m/pr
    Elite Ratio:    4.32 - 288/229/264
    Words: 151
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 860
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 876

       Just a drabble, kinda. Came home from swimming, and it's been on my mind, but i'll improve it later when i'm less lazy.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsButterfly Strokedots

    I need to re-emerge so I can breathe
    But it's the last thing I want to do as I flap my legs like a bird flaps its wings

    I'm 5 feet in and looking at the ceiling drift
    Fall in, poke out and diminish

    I'm waving my arms around me and smiling wide
    The waves are barely there, but feel like a guide
    Smoothing down my hair and reminding me why
    I'm still living at this moment in time;

    tiny bubbles brush against my skin
    tickling my leg-hair as it rises high
    Adding one more fact to the list of things that I love about life

    Side-eyeing me from its right eye
    A purple tang fish looks for a place to hide,

    floating above it with a gaze set down, I mean no harm
    Then again, I look above waters and see why it's so alarmed.

    Submitted on 2014-02-13 18:42:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I wish I could swim!! I love being in water but I am also afraid of it especially when its in a huge fish tank like the ones in the zoo something about it is slightly eerie. But anyways, what a fun beautiful piece. Its filled with sunshine and happiness. Water is also calming and refreshing. Really enjoyed this! Wonderfully penned :)
    | Posted on 2015-04-07 00:00:00 | by ShadowParadox | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this it puts you right there right in the scene. I've never read anything from this perspective starting out under water immediately captivating . I can't say I've ever head the experience; I swim like a rock, I've only been to the ocean once and it was the cold Atlantic in early summer. But I felt like I was there reading this and in my mind that's what make a great piece.
    | Posted on 2015-03-08 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      I like you rhythm and you're even a good rhymer. Probably the thing to say is the thing to say and - then look at working a rhyme in.... do you know what i mean.... then the devices used are less conspicuous.

    In this poem i like the swimmer's prespective, how that seems unique to an actual swimmer and gives us a panoramic view of that world and then a close up view of that world like you could imagine that tiny little air bubbles moving along the body of the swimmer and thats quite a contrast to the windmilling of arms and the mechanism of swimming and the body so along with that natural ability you seem to have for flow- its a good way, a good vehicle for telling a story. I enjoyed it.
    | Posted on 2014-09-07 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Bond written by saartha
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Giving written by jjd
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Incubus written by monad
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    This written by Chelebel




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]