Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Oath


Author: runaway_poet
ASL Info:    21/m/limbo
Elite Ratio:    6.2 - 42 /41 /21
Words: 332
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 829
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1876



Description:


after a long sabbatical i am now nervously returning to poetry. respond as you wish but i would prefer to hear how his piece made you feel. its very rough and i am sorry for that.


Oath



What have we become my love? we have triumphed together through countless battles, famine, sickness.

we drank each other like ambrosia engorging in the nectar of life's sweet bliss i was sheltered in your kindness.

that was a time where even a grain of sand could not come between us. why now are we planets apart?

you know gestate a new creation conceived for me and me only, you carry hate in your heart

have we forgotten it all? have your your eyes grown such hate for me? fingertips, palms, lips and breath of yours become so alien

loneliness saturates our sheets i lust for new flesh but never quench the thirst. i float in our memories of halcyon

the teeth the nails the fists you give to me i take without giving back i turn my bruises into battle stories of drunken bar fights.

numbness has taken over colours greyed flavours bland my body aches to inhale another women, feel my lips on her neck: new delights.

my imagination is the only place i visit now full of goddesses, my goddess has turned to stone and our bond is now binding.

i still love my goddess i pray to her everyday but no warmth will come from stone and my wounds now fester ever reminding

my soul is torn part it is like a trapped animal snarling and gnawing at its trapped paw the other waits for your return patiently

i thirst and hunger so much the suffering i draw a strange solace from its now my constant and everyday i still pray to you pleasantly

i now i'm withering away at the base of your statue i love you and you know i will always be prey to you my goddess

im lost in your shadow crushed by your weight i stay here by honor and loyalty im drowning in a sea of love that is loveless




Submitted on 2014-03-02 18:20:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Hey I think you have a good poem. Here are some suggestions in parentheses that might tighten it up a little. Take or leave...

What have we become my love? we have triumphed together through countless battles, famine, sickness.

we drank each other like ambrosia engorging in the nectar of life's sweet bliss i was sheltered in your kindness. (gorging instead of engorging)

that was a time where even a grain of sand could not come between us. why now are we planets apart? (there was a time when)

you know gestate a new creation conceived for me and me only, you carry hate in your heart (a new creation gestates)

have we forgotten it all? have your your eyes grown such hate for me? fingertips, palms, lips and breath of yours become so alien (add a question mark to the end here)

loneliness saturates our sheets i lust for new flesh but never quench the thirst. i float in our memories of halcyon (days)

the teeth the nails the fists you give to me i take without giving back i turn my bruises into battle stories of drunken bar fights.

numbness has taken over colours greyed flavours bland my body aches to inhale another women, feel my lips on her neck: new delights. (woman; delete new delights)

my imagination is the only place i visit now full of goddesses, my goddess has turned to stone and our bond is now binding.

i still love my goddess i pray to her everyday but no warmth will come from stone and my wounds now fester ever reminding (delete "i still love my goddess")

my soul is torn part it is like a trapped animal snarling and gnawing at its trapped paw the other waits for your return patiently (delete is; waits patiently for your return)

i thirst and hunger so much the suffering i draw a strange solace from its now my constant and everyday i still pray to you pleasantly ( I hunger and thirst for the suffering from which i draw a strange solace. It is my constant. I pray to you)

i now i'm withering away at the base of your statue i love you and you know i will always be prey to you my goddess(I wither at the base of your statue. I will always be prey to you)

im lost in your shadow crushed by your weight i stay here by honor and loyalty im drowning in a sea of love that is loveless (delete "i stay here by honor and loyalty"; drowning in a sea of lovelessness)

Just my two cents. Good luck with it!
~ annie
| Posted on 2014-03-04 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



198743