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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Oathdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: runaway_poet
    ASL Info:    21/m/limbo
    Elite Ratio:    6.2 - 42/41/21
    Words: 332
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 676
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1876



    Description:
       after a long sabbatical i am now nervously returning to poetry. respond as you wish but i would prefer to hear how his piece made you feel. its very rough and i am sorry for that.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOathdots
    -------------------------------------------


    What have we become my love? we have triumphed together through countless battles, famine, sickness.

    we drank each other like ambrosia engorging in the nectar of life's sweet bliss i was sheltered in your kindness.

    that was a time where even a grain of sand could not come between us. why now are we planets apart?

    you know gestate a new creation conceived for me and me only, you carry hate in your heart

    have we forgotten it all? have your your eyes grown such hate for me? fingertips, palms, lips and breath of yours become so alien

    loneliness saturates our sheets i lust for new flesh but never quench the thirst. i float in our memories of halcyon

    the teeth the nails the fists you give to me i take without giving back i turn my bruises into battle stories of drunken bar fights.

    numbness has taken over colours greyed flavours bland my body aches to inhale another women, feel my lips on her neck: new delights.

    my imagination is the only place i visit now full of goddesses, my goddess has turned to stone and our bond is now binding.

    i still love my goddess i pray to her everyday but no warmth will come from stone and my wounds now fester ever reminding

    my soul is torn part it is like a trapped animal snarling and gnawing at its trapped paw the other waits for your return patiently

    i thirst and hunger so much the suffering i draw a strange solace from its now my constant and everyday i still pray to you pleasantly

    i now i'm withering away at the base of your statue i love you and you know i will always be prey to you my goddess

    im lost in your shadow crushed by your weight i stay here by honor and loyalty im drowning in a sea of love that is loveless




    Submitted on 2014-03-02 18:20:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey I think you have a good poem. Here are some suggestions in parentheses that might tighten it up a little. Take or leave...

    What have we become my love? we have triumphed together through countless battles, famine, sickness.

    we drank each other like ambrosia engorging in the nectar of life's sweet bliss i was sheltered in your kindness. (gorging instead of engorging)

    that was a time where even a grain of sand could not come between us. why now are we planets apart? (there was a time when)

    you know gestate a new creation conceived for me and me only, you carry hate in your heart (a new creation gestates)

    have we forgotten it all? have your your eyes grown such hate for me? fingertips, palms, lips and breath of yours become so alien (add a question mark to the end here)

    loneliness saturates our sheets i lust for new flesh but never quench the thirst. i float in our memories of halcyon (days)

    the teeth the nails the fists you give to me i take without giving back i turn my bruises into battle stories of drunken bar fights.

    numbness has taken over colours greyed flavours bland my body aches to inhale another women, feel my lips on her neck: new delights. (woman; delete new delights)

    my imagination is the only place i visit now full of goddesses, my goddess has turned to stone and our bond is now binding.

    i still love my goddess i pray to her everyday but no warmth will come from stone and my wounds now fester ever reminding (delete "i still love my goddess")

    my soul is torn part it is like a trapped animal snarling and gnawing at its trapped paw the other waits for your return patiently (delete is; waits patiently for your return)

    i thirst and hunger so much the suffering i draw a strange solace from its now my constant and everyday i still pray to you pleasantly ( I hunger and thirst for the suffering from which i draw a strange solace. It is my constant. I pray to you)

    i now i'm withering away at the base of your statue i love you and you know i will always be prey to you my goddess(I wither at the base of your statue. I will always be prey to you)

    im lost in your shadow crushed by your weight i stay here by honor and loyalty im drowning in a sea of love that is loveless (delete "i stay here by honor and loyalty"; drowning in a sea of lovelessness)

    Just my two cents. Good luck with it!
    ~ annie
    | Posted on 2014-03-04 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]


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    198743

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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