[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: 59th Roaddots

    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.09 - 366/363/154
    Words: 356
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 528
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2267

       FIRST DRAFT OF A PIECE I JUST WRITTEN...I've been frustrated not being able to see my mom and this poured forth. It needs a lot of work and polishing...let me know what you think.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots59th Roaddots

    Last evening, when the day was smeared
    Thick with blackness,
    I made my first attempt to return home

    (I’ve been planning this trip since last
    You’ve laid your eyes upon me)

    To travel to the place where we all plunged our roots
    Deep into the lush, sweet soil of love
    And awkwardly stretched for the sun

    That moment when Mother, and father, brothers
    And Aunts, and cousins laughed, and loved and ate-

    There I was, 8 years old and privileged to see it all

    My Aunt Diane with curly hair and whimsical voice,
    Stringing her story like pearls, as
    Aunt Roe, beautiful as her wedding day,
    Intently leaned in with a smile -
    Aunt Connie, larger than life and red-
    Drumming the beat we all followed

    And then there is you, Mama...
    Eternally you---

    And I am at a loss for words

    Can the painter capture the warmth of sun on canvas;
    or the shocking blindness that follows a bold stark stare?

    Though he makes a semblance, the canvas sun lacks-
    It’s but an image-
    A similitude to remind us of one sunrise, of one day,
    of one moment,
    Within the whole everlasting cycle of the sun-

    Time is truly a juggernaut-

    It simply cannot be stopped
    It cannot be grasped, neither wrangled
    It moves independent of anything created-

    No matter how hard we try and travel back,
    No matter how hard we try to meander its course,
    It’s paths are impregnable and cannot be pierced-

    What's done is done and that is that!

    Time has no conscience and no regard
    It's influence is felt by all...

    A black boot to the throat of mankind-

    So if I were able to return
    There'd be nothing there but the husk of moments passed
    Echoes dissolved in the eternal solvent of time

    But then there’s you, Mother
    Gloriously you-
    Coffee in hand, laughing, and doting

    Has it really been 118 days since
    You’ve last laid your eyes upon us?

    Submitted on 2014-05-29 04:14:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      And awkwardly stretched for the sun

    This is such a beautifully vulnerable position. I adore it.

    A similitude to remind us of one sunrise, of one day,
    of one moment,
    Within the whole everlasting cycle of the sun-

    Another powerful concept I am in love with.

    I am at a loss for words on the piece, it was a great read and I thoroughly enjoyed that you shared something intimate. There is much more hidden in between lines, emotion that pours out, I really like.

    I am sorry for your loss but your memory and your words are a beautiful tribute.

    Thankyou for sharing.
    | Posted on 2014-11-22 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      a beautiful sentiment, beautifully written. personally i would omit

    What's done is done and that is that!
    A black boot to the throat of mankind-

    but then again you know your mother. make it about her.
    | Posted on 2014-05-31 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]
    I have no advice/critique or assistance that you have asked for, I'm pretty sure it's been covered below.
    I am simply moved and touch and teary at your reflection so beautifully penned in heart ache and remembrance.

    Thank You for sharing with us
    | Posted on 2014-05-29 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      Two technical quibbles -

    Line 6 - To travel to the place [where] we all plunged our roots...

    Line 34 - What's done is done and that is that! I would omit this line because it seems so stark set against the images that you've created. I understand the frustration that prompted the thought, but it doesn't add to the arc of the time machine you've presented to the reader.

    I wouldn't change any of the rest of it too drastically because it says in a very raw and very real way exactly what you feel as you feel it. Loss remembrance and beauty.
    | Posted on 2014-05-29 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Get rid of the bit in parentheses.
    Get rid of lush.
    Were you trying to get from ate to 8 on purpose?
    If so, cool. If not and eating isn't a huge focus I'd change it to... dunno, talked or something not so abrupt.

    That's honestly about all I can say I would change.
    Maybe work on structure so it isn't so all over the place.

    I like it. It's a nice homage.
    | Posted on 2014-05-29 00:00:00 | by MEGASWELL | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Push written by JanePlane
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Fasade written by jackz
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    AI written by poetotoe
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    You do, I Do written by poetotoe
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Every..... written by jackz
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    Before, Now, & After written by SincerWritinAsh
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Bond written by saartha
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]