Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Undoingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 136/243/156
    Words: 81
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 800
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 534



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUndoingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Spring scented lights
    fill up the sky, spill over
    the roof into my glass --
    I’ve spilt myself all over
    the pavement, too,
    red wine and all, shy nods,
    and obscene swirls
    with a stranger. He tied
    red leather bracelets
    to my wrists
    before I disappeared
    back to the twilight.
    I’ve never realized
    how loud it can be -
    the strike of keys
    on the piano.
    Your hands
    along the
    seams,
    undoing




    Submitted on 2014-05-29 08:38:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i like this...

    the undoing.

    in ways, or i guess the way i read it, it's almost like a daydream.

    on the other hand, it feels like a fall and all the feelings that occur when this can happen. how the attention is drawn to you when you really don't want it. the shy nods and perhaps assistance.... like when someone stops to help you pull flying papers from the air 'cause you dropped a notebook kinda thing.....

    or.... it could be both. intertwined in some way.


    i love the opening here. really. as well as the line about spilling self. (that's great!)

    anyhoo... just some thoughts that come to mind.
    | Posted on 2014-06-03 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      the whole thing seems to be leaking down into a drain. The whirlpool at the end of a sink. The form mirrors that to a degree and but the bound state of the narator at odds with the undoing creates tension and the undoing of what is the question I suppose. There the reader may take their own interpretation. The poem is like taking off clothes but peeling back layers, it is working on an internal and a physical level. Is it an act of lovemaking? For certain it is an eventual release of tension. Perhaps there is also a retreat in the mid-section.

    I think you broke the lines very well through-out and I admire the use of punctuation.

    It is a sensuous poem with audio and visionary qualities, though there is little tangible matter throughout. (not a criticism, rather just that the meaning is sort of blending dreamily throughout which I like)

    Nice post anyhow. The title drew me in.
    | Posted on 2014-05-31 00:00:00 | by Wolfwatching | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah yes, If I could fashion an argument to mitigate the discrepancies in all of this situation, take it apart at the seams, maybe I could nimbus nimiety fashion a new garb for the people.

    Bruce
    | Posted on 2014-05-29 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]
      I am not going to unleash my over gushy internal response to this because it does nothing for the poem. But it would let you know, if i let it out, how absolutely spellbound in emotion this write is and this reader simply adores it.

    Perfect, in my eyes
    Kelly
    | Posted on 2014-05-29 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    199076

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Dream written by closetpoet
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    prison written by ShyOne
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Etiquette written by saartha
    The World written by jjd
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Cover written by saartha
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Carry written by saartha

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry