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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Archetype of Unbecomingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.1 - 75/182/209
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 902
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 587



    Description:
       A work in progress, I've been absent from poetry for quite sometime. Please feel free to comment or critique.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsArchetype of Unbecomingdots
    -------------------------------------------



    Perhaps it was time to acquiesce a better truth.
    A monument to discord in a moment of chaos.
    Embolden the liars to remember who they are;
    implore the honorable to slay them upon a near and distant shore.
    Hold not the words that describe despair and the manacles of decay that twiddle innocents down to dust
    Grasp an ideal and strangle it;
    drain it of everything it is, was and will be.
    It will crumble into the sea;
    filling the world with tiny diamonds---
    ---glimpses of memories that can never be.





    Submitted on 2014-06-03 21:36:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      At this site, perhaps it's a compliment to say this isn't the worst bit of writing I have ever read.

    Whilst grappling a little bit with whether your tense presentation was sound I found by the end I had abandoned that internal argument and fallen in with your flow.

    I think that flow (here) to be particularly important....
    because in a poem (like this) it's easy to run off (and sound self-righteous) like the hound chasing the hare

    and follow pristine proclamation with pristine proclamation

    reaching for everything and as a result attaining nothing -

    but here- I find the endstopped nature of the phrasings makes them more accessible as the poem has built it, it's sort of like each line works as the component of a haiku and can be enjoyed as such

    so word complexities
    turn from someone trying to be impressive
    to simply being impressive.

    For me the star of the show was 'twiddle' and that use of 'twiddle' in the poem, to me it was the great equalizer in the poem because it made all else manageable and your last lines really resonate.
    | Posted on 2015-04-22 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I hate to be speaking of being an honorable liar but as a martial artist I must object, I fake right I strike left, I fake low I hit high, I have a right to this of in my own defense. Why do you think I should be slain? As for imaginations immaturities crumbling into the sea or whatever you meant by that comment on the ideal (or incorporeity's ideologies) I was going to argue that too until I read the last two lines. In they seriously tied up the loose ends for me.

    Bruce
    | Posted on 2014-06-04 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]


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