Description: This is probably the darkest I have gone in a long time with my writing. Needless to say, there should be some explanation. I have problems and often they agitate me, I start to overanalyze the people around me and the relationships I have with them. In truth, I sabotage myself and what little slices of happiness I get.
I am not suicidal. I've had imagery but as a writer, trying not to imagine things like that is like trying to make storms not rain. I don't think I could ever go through with something like that. My problems still overwhelm me and sometimes I don't feel they can be just talked out. So I need help, I need my friends. But that starts to make me feel like a shitty friend because I always feel like I need help. So...
This poem is effectively about how I'm my own worst enemy at times.
One Death -------------------------------------------
I often contemplate the homicide of one person in my life
I meticulously plan scenarios both quiet and bold
To rid me of this critic, this hypocrite, this abject failure
That judges me for every little action, every decision
Every lie ever said, every truth blurted
Even words jotted down do not escape their condemnation
I often think I can get away with it
That my friends won't blame me
Others will try to understand my motives
That I won't be labeled as a murderer
I don't need another label, I have plenty
Liar...loser...incompetent...failure
They can twist the words of my friends
Make me question the love of others
Resent family and ruin relationships
All the while pointing out
How I fucked up when things go wrong
Its worse when they are right
When that insight reveals ugly truths
That send my world crashing down
I have no love for this person
They ruin the moments I want to enjoy
They take and destroy happiness
Shove me down the ladders I climb
This relationship is torture, its abusive
And no one can see the injuries done
Sometimes I want to confess these frantic ideas
Scribbled confessions before I cross the line between victim and sinner
Yet I stay quiet about this growing darkness within
The problems I have, no one quite gets
Telling me that things will change, that I can't let it get to me
But what do you do
When you've already been gotten?
When every moment you expect commentary on how far down you've gone
Taking a life seems as easy as a couple of pounds of pressure
Or slamming your foot on the gas without thinking about afterwards
When its said and done, they'll put me in a tight space, put a suit on me
Then someone will put me away forever, never to see the light of day
But it would be over
I often contemplate taking one life
One life that will make this all stop
I just hesitate every time
My hands shake and I can't go through with it
I'm not ready yet
To kill myself
Wow, I have been feeling like this a lot lately. I would never go through with it either, but it's awesome to hear that I'm not crazy and not the only one that thinks about this kind of thing. I wish the best of luck to you. Thank you for sharing.
It sounds as though you are already acceptant of these desires you think about. But youre honest with yourself in both being scared and not deserving of taking your own life. Tell your friends and filt
Exactly
What you said in the description of your poem. That source of sharing may bring you relief during these hardships.
Submission Name: One Death
