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    dots Submission Name: One Deathdots

    Author: CynicalxDreamer
    ASL Info:    31/m/7th Level of Hell
    Elite Ratio:    2.46 - 40/100/64
    Words: 372
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 1109
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2321

       This is probably the darkest I have gone in a long time with my writing. Needless to say, there should be some explanation. I have problems and often they agitate me, I start to overanalyze the people around me and the relationships I have with them. In truth, I sabotage myself and what little slices of happiness I get.

    I am not suicidal. I've had imagery but as a writer, trying not to imagine things like that is like trying to make storms not rain. I don't think I could ever go through with something like that. My problems still overwhelm me and sometimes I don't feel they can be just talked out. So I need help, I need my friends. But that starts to make me feel like a shitty friend because I always feel like I need help. So...

    This poem is effectively about how I'm my own worst enemy at times.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOne Deathdots

    I often contemplate the homicide of one person in my life
    I meticulously plan scenarios both quiet and bold
    To rid me of this critic, this hypocrite, this abject failure
    That judges me for every little action, every decision
    Every lie ever said, every truth blurted
    Even words jotted down do not escape their condemnation

    I often think I can get away with it
    That my friends won't blame me
    Others will try to understand my motives
    That I won't be labeled as a murderer
    I don't need another label, I have plenty

    They can twist the words of my friends
    Make me question the love of others
    Resent family and ruin relationships
    All the while pointing out
    How I fucked up when things go wrong
    Its worse when they are right
    When that insight reveals ugly truths
    That send my world crashing down

    I have no love for this person
    They ruin the moments I want to enjoy
    They take and destroy happiness
    Shove me down the ladders I climb
    This relationship is torture, its abusive
    And no one can see the injuries done

    Sometimes I want to confess these frantic ideas
    Scribbled confessions before I cross the line between victim and sinner
    Yet I stay quiet about this growing darkness within
    The problems I have, no one quite gets
    Telling me that things will change, that I can't let it get to me
    But what do you do
    When you've already been gotten?

    When every moment you expect commentary on how far down you've gone
    Taking a life seems as easy as a couple of pounds of pressure
    Or slamming your foot on the gas without thinking about afterwards
    When its said and done, they'll put me in a tight space, put a suit on me
    Then someone will put me away forever, never to see the light of day
    But it would be over

    I often contemplate taking one life
    One life that will make this all stop
    I just hesitate every time
    My hands shake and I can't go through with it
    I'm not ready yet
    To kill myself

    Submitted on 2014-07-10 20:29:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I hate the despot.
    | Posted on 2014-08-05 00:00:00 | by poetotoe | [ Reply to This ]
      Make it Obama!
    | Posted on 2014-07-18 00:00:00 | by poetotoe | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I have been feeling like this a lot lately. I would never go through with it either, but it's awesome to hear that I'm not crazy and not the only one that thinks about this kind of thing. I wish the best of luck to you. Thank you for sharing.

    </3 Lisa
    | Posted on 2014-07-12 00:00:00 | by 777sacrites777 | [ Reply to This ]
      Friends and family*
    | Posted on 2014-07-11 00:00:00 | by kase | [ Reply to This ]
      It sounds as though you are already acceptant of these desires you think about. But youre honest with yourself in both being scared and not deserving of taking your own life. Tell your friends and filt
    What you said in the description of your poem. That source of sharing may bring you relief during these hardships.
    | Posted on 2014-07-11 00:00:00 | by kase | [ Reply to This ]

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