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    dots Submission Name: A Snowy Tumultdots

    Author: isselman2001
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 37/47/46
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 771
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1008


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Snowy Tumultdots

    A snowy tumult on a snowy hill:
    Some giddy children playing by the rill
    A hawk extends its reaches far and wide
    And swoons into a headlong downward glide

    A red car turns and slushes round the pike
    A postman takes his taxing uphill hike
    A dark gray wall on the horizon looms
    Engulfing a quartet of red balloons

    The midday trudge brings forth the rainy tide
    And kids are busy staying dry inside
    Buried in books and huddled by the flame
    Or watching rain batter their windowpane

    The lampposts flicker on the evening sludge
    Pleading and begging Father Time to budge
    The lazy evening winds away with ease
    The rain fades quietly through glistening trees

    The muffled sounds are sweet, the night grows bright
    The curtains fall to drown the gloom of night
    The helpful hawk sits on the roof all night
    And in the silvery moonlight takes its flight

    Submitted on 2014-09-10 16:20:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like the read- the vibes, but I've gotta admit that a couple words here and there felt almost unnecessary to me. 'Helpful hawk', 'lazy evening'; just those. Also, I'd appreciate it if you could explain the term you used; 'Father Time'? I understand every writer has their own intuition, but I felt a little lost with that bit.
    However, as I said, the rest- besides my few selfish complaints- is absolutely captivating. The picture you give only fuels the reader's interest in the children's stories...or even the post-dude's story!
    Adored it, thanks.
    | Posted on 2014-09-27 00:00:00 | by MyPeriodical | [ Reply to This ]
      Swoops? Play? This is a nice picture story that reads a little uneven as far as the rhythm goes. Sometimes less is more in this game, otherwise it makes the reader work for it. Make it flow, make it flow...
    | Posted on 2014-09-11 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]

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