Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Hello Moon


Author: ponykeeper
ASL Info:    55/f/Canada
Elite Ratio:    6.65 - 246 /235 /99
Words: 96
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1216
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 618



Description:




Hello Moon



How many years
since I last wandered
through your snare half aware--
between
lies neither here nor there until I think
you waited for me

silver glances
and burnished branches
pirouetting past clouds piled high
like nebulous meringue or
marshmallow-cream whorls
in a bowl of plush blueberry
sky.

I have not forsaken lust,
but I’ll devolve
into a whisper of dust
while you stare
and wonder when
or even if,
I was ever really there.





Submitted on 2014-09-18 10:07:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  That second stanza made me hungry. I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM!

Now, correct me if I am wrong, but seeing your username and then the title of this poem, I couldn't help but think this is written from the viewpoint of Princess Luna. If that is indeed true, then a lot of the words make more sense to me than if it were otherwise.

'How many years
since I last wandered
through your snare half aware--'

Trapped on the moon, a cold and desolate place, seemingly unfeeling, and yet she does not hate the moon, for it is her love, it is...the night.

Of course, I may be injecting something into the poem that is not even meant to be there...but then we all interpret things a bit differently, I guess.

I always have trouble reviewing poems because I can often get the feeling of the poem deep inside when reading it, but then words will fail me if I try to explain the feeling. Sometimes, I just try to write a little ditty instead.

-

One-sixth of its weight,
my heavy heart soars,
roaming your mares
and basaltic shores.

But on earth you're a dream;
are my prints in your dust?
Did I lay in the regolith,
did I do what I must?

I will charter a ship,
that I may soon return,
and give into your stillness
while below the tides turn.

-

Not sure what you'll make/think of that. Twas fun though.

Great poem, ponykeeper. Can't wait for more!

-Ruqyo Highsong
| Posted on 2014-09-23 00:00:00 | by AsiaticFox | [ Reply to This ]
  As said before, very good imagery and your description is excellent. I enjoyed reading this.

Frank.
| Posted on 2014-09-21 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
  I like that this kind of encompasses the mystery and confusion of relations (both human and nature oriented) and how we can look back as far as we can see with a half-confused eye. And also there's the shifting emotions where our understanding of our own and the other's actions are concerned.

If I'm in a quiet mood I could read most of this and think of how nature is so quiet and adept and hiding. How the world can be teeming with life but refuse to reveal that when we are present. Like the moon hanging always in the sky, same face of unconcerned silence.

But I realize based on you final stanza that we're talking about more than that. I realize that human beings are just as alluring and elusive in those silences and sometimes the only way to grab hold of that is through a constant like the moon. Those faces that move in and out of our lives still hang in the sky some nights -goading. Right there beside the mystery of the moon.

Enjoyed the layers here. Good stuff
| Posted on 2014-09-19 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Chris,

I like the imagery and the goings on in the first two strophes...

sound is good in both of these and i think it adds to the complexity.

well,

i read it the sound way first and then really got drawn into the imagery

like silver glances makes me think about the wire
and burnished brances makes me think about the deception.....

the clouds etc actually make me think about the overtness of an obstacle and how this would naturally lead one to the sweetness of taking the gap, especially if this person/entity was preoccupied.

i think all that stuff is awesome.

i think the last strophe lets you down with the repetition of certain rhyme sounds and also because it lacks the CERTAIN (as in a display of mastery) inventiveness of the first two sections of the poem.

This isn't really to say I don't like what you went on to say, it's more that I don't like the way you went on to say it.

you should think of that as a challenge more than a criticism.

i thought it was alive and so full with the complexity and stuffs of living that it would be a shame not to comment.

nice to read you again.

daniel
| Posted on 2014-09-18 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  Major change there. I would never criticize "lust". ;)

Lloyd
| Posted on 2014-09-18 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
  Very nice rhyme scheme and imagery at work here. I'm not connecting with the ice thing yet, but it may come. Perhaps the cold? All in all a good read.

Lloyd
| Posted on 2014-09-18 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



199532