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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Beautiful Losersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Silverdog
    Elite Ratio:    7.21 - 2085/1512/140
    Words: 462
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 916
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2342



    Description:
       “I'd rather die while I'm living than live while I'm dead. ”
    ~~Jimmy Buffet

    Re-write from a few years back,--I think it's more poignant and less choppy...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Beautiful Losersdots
    -------------------------------------------




    An old man sits hunched on a bench in the mall
    watching the young girls walk by—
    there's no lust, no leers, no sighs or tears,
    just vacant thoughts of years gone by .
    Pale papery skin wraps his emptiness,
    speckled hands never knew love's touch
    He faces his grave with no tenderness,
    the one thing he yearned for so much.
    A heart sequestered by silence and pride,
    anguished, yet wary of the longing inside .

    He's one of life's beautiful losers
    who never learned how to give ,
    never tried, never cried,
    kept it all inside,
    dying before they can live.

    The middle-aged clerk at the dollar store
    sets wind chimes and silk roses on display ,
    suddenly surprised at her own musing sighs
    and the fragrance of roses from a younger day.
    Tea cups and tic-tacs, bric-brac and knick knacks
    carefully arranged like the parts of her self,
    Poetry and greeting cards she files in the racks,
    her passion and dreams at the back of the shelf .
    Softly she hums an old melody,
    a love song from a music box, —with no key.

    She's one of life's beautiful losers
    who never learned how to give ,
    never tried, never cried.
    kept it all inside,
    dying before they can live.

    A business man orders a drink at the club
    noting sadly the barmaid's blue eyes,
    soon he's drifting along on a memory—
    Love abandoned to sweet silken lies.
    He never knew faith, much less devotion,
    wealth and success merely deepened his loss.
    He never felt Love, just lust's hot emotion,
    as he garnered the gold leaving her but the dross.
    His encrypted thoughts she could never break through-
    and her eyes were that same shade of blue.

    He's one of life's beautiful losers
    who never learned how to give,
    never tried, never cried,
    kept it all inside,
    dying before they can live.


    Sally Bland
    rev October 2014 ©




    Submitted on 2014-10-08 14:11:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Think compliments more
    than feedback, they say'
    But all I can offer you is
    dismay, the best poem I've
    read for many a day, that's about all I can say-----

    Very good job-----Mugsy----

    | Posted on 2015-01-06 00:00:00 | by mugsy | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow this is the most refreshing thing I have read in a long time. The compassion spoken for those lost and innocent was very touching.

    There was just enough description here to give it that poetic voice that makes this art wuthout things dragging on unnecessarily.

    You know what you are doing with words.

    I believe you will reach many audiences with this piece.
    | Posted on 2014-12-14 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Well hello Sally,

    Needless to say, I love this. I believe it's the refletive tone and the melancholy that attracted me. The 3 chracters, the old man, the store clerk, and the businessman all share a great lonliness, having missed out on one of Life's greatest pleasures, true love.

    If I may I would like to make several suggestions, things to consider from a different viewpoint. No criticism..just things I would do differently.

    S1 - L1 At the mall an old man sits hunched on a bench

    (By the way, all 3 chracters are seen at the mall, yet the bussiness seems elsewhere -- (club?)
    L3 nor tears L7 without tenderness L8 The one thing for which he yearned, so much.

    S2 - L2 Drop "how." L5 Change "can" to "could."

    S3 - L6&L7 Drop 'the.'

    S4 - as S2

    S5 - L1 A businessman orders a double at the bar
    L2 - Sadly noting the barmaid's Paris blue eyes.
    L3 - reliving a memory L8 grabbed for the gold L9 cryptic
    thoughts, see through
    L10 - Paris blue.

    S6 - as S2

    Well, it's great seeing your work again. I've always admired your poetic skills.
    By the way, here's a quote, I thought relevant, from St. Francis of Assisi:
    Remember when you leave this Earth, you can take with you nothing thatbyou have received, only what you have given. A heart enriched by honest service, Love, sacrifice, and courage.
    | Posted on 2014-10-30 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the imagery within this, and I think it would make an excellent song. In particular, I think this stanza is the best-formed:

    The middle-aged clerk at the dollar store
    sets wind chimes and silk roses on display ,
    suddenly surprised at her own musing sighs
    and the fragrance of roses from a younger day.
    Tea cups and tic-tacs, bric-brac and knick knacks
    carefully arranged like the parts of her self,
    Poetry and greeting cards she files in the racks,
    her passion and dreams at the back of the shelf .
    Softly she hums an old melody,
    a love song from a music box, —with no key.


    Especially line 5--the rhymes you used here are much less tired than the rhymes you used elsewhere (leers/tears, tried/cried). Not that they're bad. Not at all. Just... a little tired. Overused, maybe.

    I'm sorry, I wish that didn't sound so rude, but I guess it does. You're certainly right--this site isn't at all what it used to be.

    But that middle stanza, I think, is beautiful and perfect, and it spoke to me more than the rest of it. Honestly, I feel like that woman is your poem, and the rest of it is just the stuff you needed to write in order to find the poem. But I'm often wrong about this sort of thing.

    Thanks for sharing,
    Rachel
    | Posted on 2014-10-25 00:00:00 | by etheror | [ Reply to This ]
      The Beautiful" wasn't about Loss---all three persons were successful , ( to most eyes)--like the nice people who live next to you--they make their way through life, commit no crimes, --enjoy the so-called "good -life"--yet at the end of their days--have naught except perhaps some mutual funds, stocks and tangible assets---nothing you can take with you---we only can take what we leave behind someone said--and they didn't mean money--anyway it's an old rant--that never really gets out-dated
    | Posted on 2014-10-09 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      "Whoah God only knows, God makes his plan
    The information's unavailable to the mortal man
    We're workin' our jobs, collect our pay
    Believe we're gliding down the highway, when in fact we're slip sliding away."


    I have no idea what's beautiful about loss other than the irony of how self-determinism sometimes isolates us from risk and trust, but this write reminded me of similar thoughts from Paul Simon.
    | Posted on 2014-10-09 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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