`I think there is promise in this, lines 9 & 10 are excellent sort of but overall I think the poem is underdeveloped because you are working within constraints (of form)
and because your phrasing muscles are rather puny.
I'm not saying that to be smart of smug. If you want to convey a lot in a short space and interconnect it then the choices of words and phrases are critical
sometimes you have to be sneaky in how you do it like my daughter Micah, I can make one hand tremble above her eye-line and with the other hand smack her on the side of the head (not very hard of course)
but do you see what i mean, there are limitless words and or collections of words where when set up adequately they can act as double hinges
i don't even know if hinges is the correct terminology because sometimes, when struck, they send the poem going back the way it came in the very same instant they, also, move it forward.
I think good phrasing comes with good practice
and that can also be evidenced when messing around with format.
This site I'm pretty competent on with working the bells and whistles but my wordpress site i suck at so
the poems often look and end up quite different.
this piece is very well written. the twisting of the words to show the anguish the writer must have felt, and the ending that shows the writer's relief now that it is over and they survived the ordeal. well done.