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    dots Submission Name: M10dots

    Author: MyPeriodical
    ASL Info:    18/m/pr
    Elite Ratio:    4.32 - 288/229/264
    Words: 200
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 818
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 695

       Didn't even mean for this, but aye.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Could I have taken liberty
    To adore what wasn’t mine?

    Should I have drunk more than just
    My own bottles of wine?

    But now that I sit in solitude
    I realize
    What we had
    Was an empty cup

    Poison still and shimmering
    Not a sway and not a sud

    No movement and no prosper
    No temptation, yet no fuster.

    We lacked anything to control
    Nothing close to soul
    Left hanging on the edge of every hook

    And I am glad
    A single sip, I never took.

    Submitted on 2014-10-11 13:20:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      `I think there is promise in this, lines 9 & 10 are excellent sort of but overall I think the poem is underdeveloped because you are working within constraints (of form)
    and because your phrasing muscles are rather puny.

    I'm not saying that to be smart of smug. If you want to convey a lot in a short space and interconnect it then the choices of words and phrases are critical

    sometimes you have to be sneaky in how you do it like my daughter Micah, I can make one hand tremble above her eye-line and with the other hand smack her on the side of the head (not very hard of course)

    but do you see what i mean, there are limitless words and or collections of words where when set up adequately they can act as double hinges

    i don't even know if hinges is the correct terminology because sometimes, when struck, they send the poem going back the way it came in the very same instant they, also, move it forward.

    I think good phrasing comes with good practice
    and that can also be evidenced when messing around with format.

    This site I'm pretty competent on with working the bells and whistles but my wordpress site i suck at so
    the poems often look and end up quite different.

    you can discover things accidentally.

    all- time spent is good.
    | Posted on 2015-04-04 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      this piece is very well written. the twisting of the words to show the anguish the writer must have felt, and the ending that shows the writer's relief now that it is over and they survived the ordeal. well done.
    | Posted on 2014-10-13 00:00:00 | by gwenn sundala | [ Reply to This ]

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