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    dots Submission Name: Untitleddots

    Author: Razor2TheRosary
    ASL Info:    24 - f - Philly
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 238/127/51
    Words: 183
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1014
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1227


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Late July sun once bronzed innocent skin.
    Laughter was coquettish and genuine.
    I had no idea what I'd become
    when desperation and winter set in.

    The kind of love that makes butterflies spin
    was worth hiding for at cheap motor inns.
    But I cared too much, and his choice could kill.
    Beauty was lost with original sin.

    It's funny how night moves beneath your feet,
    thinking there's no one left to lose or cheat,
    'til torture becomes entertainment, so
    my soul was sold in a strangers backseat.

    From a careless actress, they bought deceit.
    Depleting hope muffles screams through damp sheets.
    With this fraudulent lust comes so much less
    than a sense of failure beyond defeat.

    Where love once lingered is now vacancy.
    With a mouthful of blood and secrecy,
    it's hard to remember where I went wrong,
    or how I choked on hell's depravity.

    But when I found your grave, it was empty.
    No more sunlit days, no more decency.
    I pray to eventually wish you well,
    and forget about who I used to be.

    Submitted on 2014-10-17 12:34:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      It's very emotionally charged, but it loses beat here and there. Some lines are too long and some too short. It feels like the kind of piece that strives for the traditional style of counting syllables. My take on it anyway...

    The third line in the second stanza confused me a little. What choice, exactly?

    There are some very beautiful concepts here, I appreciate the metaphor for the innocence lost and what-nots.

    | Posted on 2014-10-20 00:00:00 | by Carosuel | [ Reply to This ]

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