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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: crisp and clingingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: isabella
    Elite Ratio:    5.56 - 803/905/472
    Words: 29
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 718
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 223



    Description:
       edit #1


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotscrisp and clingingdots
    -------------------------------------------





    i wait.

    just wait. to free fall






    (into the great white death
    of winter
    ).




    Submitted on 2014-11-06 09:53:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really like the middle lines:

    crisp and clinging.
    lingering in the chill
    of what is to come. i am
    patient as an icicle.
    ready to emerge
    from the gutters of a house.

    I think gutter is one of my favourite words. It's such a strong word, gut-wrenching. I actually think I wrote "guttering" before in something. That's how much I love the word.

    But yeah you sort of stumble onto something good here. I actually think the middle part might accomplish what you say in the ending, like poising oneself to emerge is almost like emerging in some ways, so I sort of think that part is already given, but I do love the white death of winter because it seems like bottoming out into snow.

    This was a nice read though. I really liked the images and metamorphosis going on throughout.
    | Posted on 2014-11-10 00:00:00 | by Wolfwatching | [ Reply to This ]
      Isabella - Bored? Smored! You've created something worthwhile here. Something I really like. I would like to offer some suggestions, a way to expand this to a dual meaning. (A leaf, a love facing doom.) Keeping the force with which you've presented it, crisp, clean, and to the point, here's what I would offer:
    L1-L4 as is.
    L5- Here I would complete the word "clinging."
    L6- Change to "I am lingering"
    L7- Change it to say "anticipating the chill" ( to later rhyme with waiting)
    L8- End it at "come."
    L9-&L10- Eliminate these lines
    L11- as is
    L12- Change to "patiently."
    L13 & L14- as is.
    L15- Change "my" to "a"
    Add new line 16- "Our house?"
    Rest of the work- as is.
    Hopefully, you do not see this as criticism, but just the mindful wanderings of someone who read your work and enjoyed it enough to comment and make suggestions. Your work was delightful as written, and I liked it, a lot.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2014-11-06 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]


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