Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: crisp and clingingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: isabella
    Elite Ratio:    5.56 - 803/905/472
    Words: 29
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 717
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 223



    Description:
       edit #1


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotscrisp and clingingdots
    -------------------------------------------





    i wait.

    just wait. to free fall






    (into the great white death
    of winter
    ).




    Submitted on 2014-11-06 09:53:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really like the middle lines:

    crisp and clinging.
    lingering in the chill
    of what is to come. i am
    patient as an icicle.
    ready to emerge
    from the gutters of a house.

    I think gutter is one of my favourite words. It's such a strong word, gut-wrenching. I actually think I wrote "guttering" before in something. That's how much I love the word.

    But yeah you sort of stumble onto something good here. I actually think the middle part might accomplish what you say in the ending, like poising oneself to emerge is almost like emerging in some ways, so I sort of think that part is already given, but I do love the white death of winter because it seems like bottoming out into snow.

    This was a nice read though. I really liked the images and metamorphosis going on throughout.
    | Posted on 2014-11-10 00:00:00 | by Wolfwatching | [ Reply to This ]
      Isabella - Bored? Smored! You've created something worthwhile here. Something I really like. I would like to offer some suggestions, a way to expand this to a dual meaning. (A leaf, a love facing doom.) Keeping the force with which you've presented it, crisp, clean, and to the point, here's what I would offer:
    L1-L4 as is.
    L5- Here I would complete the word "clinging."
    L6- Change to "I am lingering"
    L7- Change it to say "anticipating the chill" ( to later rhyme with waiting)
    L8- End it at "come."
    L9-&L10- Eliminate these lines
    L11- as is
    L12- Change to "patiently."
    L13 & L14- as is.
    L15- Change "my" to "a"
    Add new line 16- "Our house?"
    Rest of the work- as is.
    Hopefully, you do not see this as criticism, but just the mindful wanderings of someone who read your work and enjoyed it enough to comment and make suggestions. Your work was delightful as written, and I liked it, a lot.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2014-11-06 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    199630

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    When Crows Tick on Windows written by metallichick786
    Dirge of Nostalgia written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Genesis written by saartha
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    On Loop written by Daniel Barlow
    Skulls Beyond the Palisade written by HisNameIsNoMore
    This written by Chelebel
    Lunch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Sunt Mala Quae Libas written by MyPeriodical
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Born of the Mouth written by MyPeriodical
    Love and Solitaire written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    On Top of a Water Wheel written by Wolfwatching
    Still written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Faith In Line written by MyPeriodical
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Tides of Man written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Incubus written by monad
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    Aftermath and Waltz written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A Fire! A Knife! A Black Crow Calls! written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry