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    dots Submission Name: Real Lifedots

    Author: dancer-of-words
    ASL Info:    21/trans/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.6 - 167/158/74
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 847
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 689


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    dotsReal Lifedots

    until fate
    wraps you in its wings of blood
    and carries you away.

    in the dark
    until darkness itself
    comes and covers you in a cloak of emptiness
    whispers nothings in your ear
    in a voice that hisses

    and you cry.

    Rocking back and forth
    in the night of your soul
    to the wind
    the empty wind that howls
    gnashing your teeth
    and weeping.

    Is this hell?
    or is this the crying of a child
    a cruel trick the gods played on us
    nightmares in our waking eyes
    laughing at us, till we die.

    Submitted on 2014-11-14 14:44:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This sort of reminds of a recent conversation I had with someone about heaven and hell and that tacky comment that people make about the nonexistence of hell and heaven and that we are actually living in hell.

    It's a very riveting write. Your view appears to be slightly not to say very nihilistic which appeals to me a lot!
    It seems as if you are trying you portray the moment before one dies ... when nothing makes sense ... it sorts of made me see an old man with a thousand regrets and looking back at his life with remorse ....or perhaps you were just gnashing your teeth while recalling something bad someone did to you which doesn't seem to be a completely unrelated feeling, to boot.

    As to your style, I must say I like the intensity your manage to convey.... it seems as though one - or perhaps some - can only portray such emotions when dire straits are faced.... which sounds a little dejecting ... I also liked your imagery as you might have noticed.

    The only critique I have has to do with the first and second stanza. You may want to re-think or re-write some of those lines considering that some of your line breaks sound a little off and hinder the flow ever so slightly.

    I enjoyed this a lot.
    Kind regards.

    Ethan Brody
    | Posted on 2014-11-14 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]

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