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    dots Submission Name: (Human Contact) Touch. dots

    Author: Carosuel
    ASL Info:    26/F/Twirlwind
    Elite Ratio:    4.93 - 96/73/28
    Words: 267
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1479
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1887

       Edit-related description: Originally, this particular piece was somewhere between spoken word and abstract thought. It glorified the bullies I dealt with growing up and the sleazy sexual encounters I based a good bit of my worth on. While I kept some of that, I feel like I found a way to go about it and still not come off as whiny. Let me know if it's working, eh? I just finished the rewrite, added some lacking rhyme and subtracted the rhetorical questioning I used as a crutch beforehand, thanks to Jaycee for the review.

    This is dedicated to three girls in fifth grade and a few "charming" boys from my misguided teen years and, most of all, my husband.

    ---------Previous Description----------

    I think this is more applicable to my teen years, but this piece banged around my head. So here it is, I guess.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots(Human Contact) Touch. dots

    Building with blocks made of quiet desperation,
    I built a tower, aching for attention.
    Embracing each cold bit of concrete,
    accepting praise and ridicule with conceit.

    The girls, with their big hoop earrings,
    and their tidy handwriting,
    and their venomous words,
    and how their fingers reach for you,
    leaving purple-tinted bruises.
    Bruises, I've poked when alone,
    to feel the ash settle in my bones.
    Someone was here scrawled on my skin,
    and I feel visible again.

    The boys, with fledgling game,
    and promised something more,
    and counting every
    popcorn drip ripple
    hanging from the ceiling.
    Bored, I lay there as he panted,
    the quiet unsettled disenchanted,
    I needed it to be more than his grunt and sweat,
    he needed nothing more than warm and wet.

    Decisions I've made built altars and steeples,
    I've sewn myself together with dulled needles.
    Batting made up of chopped up childhood memories
    Made up of being what's between two knees,
    but never what's nestled between two breasts.
    I am twin images, in mirror and mortar,
    using touch and spite for my spire.
    I crushed myself into a thickened paste,
    and spread between stones explicitly placed.

    When at last, my tower was scaled,
    I found myself staunched and paled,
    The white dress draped and clashed,
    with my stitches and memories of past.
    The discordant notes, of cellulite and scars,
    reminded me of weres and ares.
    His acception and embrace,
    can never rewrite, never erase,
    the song my body plucks and chimes.
    But, instead I find,
    His soul and mine,

    Submitted on 2014-12-02 00:55:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Now, finally sometin of REALsubstance. Now i see your real feeling and thoughts come out in your usual prattling. About time... only took 5 years or so. Very good, very evocative... please do more!
    | Posted on 2015-01-29 00:00:00 | by SAGITTREVEALED | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this much better. It much better written than your original and is a cohesive piece rather than a bunch of disjointed questions. Its much clearer. I think the use of the word "acception" is a bit strange, but it does fit for meaning. I just looks like a typo since its a bit archaic..acceptance is used more or partialily.

    Overall this is a great rewrite and shows much more focus and dedication to the craft.
    | Posted on 2015-01-19 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the first strophe needs to pulled in a bit. Even if you are writing about teenage years, I think a little more sophistication there that grows down the poem would be helpful. I'd move it out of rhetorical questions and into just free thought and feeling. You can get the same point across without going back quite that far.
    if you want more specifics message me, if not that's fine. we all spew thoughts in poetic form just because we can sometimes, and that has validation too.
    | Posted on 2014-12-19 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      the flawed prince sought
    an imperfect girl
    to validate his scars
    to anchor his world

    to make sense of chaos
    to slice out the dull
    hints of perfection
    before they claimed his soul

    Just a few thoughts on yours.

    | Posted on 2014-12-02 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]

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