Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Weedsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Zai
    ASL Info:    24/m/US
    Elite Ratio:    3.97 - 66/145/98
    Words: 186
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 514
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1038



    Description:
       Thinking of my mom again. Death seems not about getting over, but getting along.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWeedsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    As she was buried, so to speak, so was a seed.
    So deep and so flourished a darkening need,
    And so, like a weed, it grew up, out, and deep.
    And such as it goes, up was not very long lasting,
    Up was God's gardener, breaking light over casts,
    Stealing stems barely grown, giving no understanding.
    So, like a weed, the seed holding fast, needed out.
    Growing blackened and wiry, dirty with doubt,
    Nearly doubling in size, thin as ice in a cloud.
    And such as it is, this tedious game:
    Do not grow up, being plucked is a shame!
    Who can know, just so, just how a seed grows,
    Without an ice pick to sep'rate weed from home?
    Do not grow up, they know not where you're from.
    Stay deep, deep down, frozen in mud.
    Growing slowly, stay lowly, and no body will care.
    Take root in the warmth, such as it is,
    That the heart of the matter, so to speak, is
    Her memory is spread, buried, ever within me.




    Submitted on 2014-12-15 02:59:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      First, my condolences. Coping with loss is a difficult task and it’s only over time that we learn to deal with our emotions.
    As to the poem: Let me start by saying that I enjoyed reading it. I believe it conveyed your sense of loss and the difficulty of overcoming it. Somehow the emotional darkness becomes a fond memory deep in our hearts.
    If I may, I would like to make some suggestions. These are only the opinion of this reader and not a criticism of your work. I believe your poem would have a greater impact if it were streamlined a bit. To me some of the repetition of phrases got in the way of the flow, as with the four uses of “so” in the first two lines. I also think that breaking the poem into stanzas of common ideas would assist the reader’s comprehension. For instance, perhaps the first four lines could be grouped as ‘ the seed that grew as a weed’ and the next five lines (5-9) as ‘gardener vs. weed.’ Then you could have two stanzas of four lines each of “Advice – (Do not grow).” I would spread out the remaining three lines into four/five lines, perhaps as:
    Take root in the warmth
    For the heart of the matter
    Is that her memory spread
    Buried…ever within me
    Well, that’s all I have. Again, let me say how much I enjoyed your poem. Such a serious matter is hard to capture in words, yet you have accomplished that and created an interesting metaphor. I look forward to reading more of your work.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2014-12-15 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      I've read this piece 5 times now, and I am still wondering what exactly the seed/weed is. The piece was obviously constructed with great care, and to carry a heavy weight. I am guessing that the simile is rather loose, as opposed to being tied to any one particular emotion, and instead is a platform for some very emotionally evocative imagery. My alternative guess is that you or someone planted a seed for her, and the seedling that grew unfortunately did not make it. Either way, I am someone who has not lost someone quite so close as a parent, so I can only guess. I am so sorry for your loss.
    | Posted on 2014-12-15 00:00:00 | by Ontlogicalamity | [ Reply to This ]
      Your description of this poem is spot-on. I too have lost many in my life over the years and you never get over it. All you can do is learn how to live with the loss, keep your memories close to your heart, and live each day to its fullest. It is great to express your feelings in writings such as this, it helps you to heal.
    | Posted on 2014-12-15 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    199719

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Love written by saartha
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    prison written by ShyOne
    Records I written by Raphael
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The World written by jjd
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Shi written by ShyOne
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    untitled written by ShyOne
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry