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    dots Submission Name: (A moment)dots

    Author: rubymoon
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 155/162/91
    Words: 177
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 494
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1153


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots(A moment)dots

    There was a stillness in the air,
    A breath of harsh anticipation
    Of what may come.
    A slight pause before the action.
    A heartbeat, intake of a breath.
    Only a slight betrayal of the hesitation (felt within)

    If we knew where the path would lead…
    Would we still have gone ahead?
    Or would the consequences freeze us forever?
    The ups and downs… Is it worth it?

    I remember what came after the pause
    The moment, where reflection can be made,
    A disregard of sense and logic.
    A simple kiss… but we both knew, even then,
    That there was nothing simple about it.
    It was a declaration, a question and an answer (without words)

    Would you? Yes, I will
    Can I? Yes, you can
    Shall we? Yes, we shall…
    (A call and answer from the beginning of time)

    The soft breath against each other,
    A gentle touchless caress.
    Shaking hands and unsure hearts
    Laid bare in that moment.
    The rest will come later,
    But we will always have that shared moment (between us)

    Submitted on 2014-12-24 15:13:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I enjoyed reading this. I thought the () were a bit distracting and the poem could do without the phrases or just without the parenthesis if you'd rather. I'd also restructure the third strophe to something like this:

    Would you?
    Yes, I will
    Can I?
    Yes, you can
    Shall we? Yes, we shall…
    A call and answer from the beginning of time

    I think it gives voice to each person and then shows a collective voice, and keeps the sextet structure.

    I liked that this kept me wondering a bit about the content until half way through. Then it was just ahhhh, that first kiss, and we really going there moment. Your descriptions were right on target.
    | Posted on 2015-02-12 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      Really liked the flow of each stanza, and relating a kiss as an unspoken declaration, given that the mouth is capable to generate word. It is, and is not. Very cool!
    | Posted on 2014-12-30 00:00:00 | by Vismare | [ Reply to This ]

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