I have found no strength in this weakness,
no power in this affliction,
"light at the end of the tunnel".
I'm in the mind to burn it down,
all of it,
"beginning and end"
its "Alpha Omega".
Nothing will deserve its return.
And this will all be gone,
and I will be here...
Left to relish in its ending,
Everything that accompanies it,
And all the unhappiness
is what will make me contented...
I cant wait to see it there.
In its mess...
struggling to escape,
when it was put there by its own hands in the first place.
I was lost without you.
but was even more lost with you....
this has to be over,
I'm just so done.
| You've got a solid poem here bogged down by some unfortunate choices. I don't wanna rewrite the poem for you (someone already did that). I'd reconsider the phrase 'relish in' and also maybe look at 'what will make me contented.' Play with those verbs, girl!||| Posted on 2015-01-18 00:00:00 | by WonderCunt | [ Reply to This ] || Denise â€“|
Well done! Let it out and wish it goodbye. I could feel the emotion.
You called it poetry, so Iâ€™m going to suggest a few things:
S1 - Change to â€œmy weakness, my affliction.â€
S2 â€“ L2 â€œIâ€™m of a mind..â€ L4 and L6 â€œtheâ€ in place of â€œits.â€
S3 â€“ L1 Change â€œdeserveâ€ to â€œdemand.â€ L2 â€œAll of this..â€ L3 Suggest you move this line to stand alone.
S4 â€“ L2 and L3 Add â€œInâ€ â€“ â€œIn its.. and â€œIn everything..â€ L4 â€œAll of the unhappinessâ€ L5 Drop â€œIs what.â€
S5 â€“ L2 Add â€œownâ€ â€“â€œown mess.â€ L4 â€“ Split into two lines so that L5 becomes â€œby its own hands.â€
Again, these are suggestions, feel free to disregard them.
Overall your poem is what poetry is supposed to be, an emotion, expressed so that the reader feels that same emotion. Youâ€™ve accomplished just that, but also made it an enjoyable read. Loved it!
|| Posted on 2015-01-14 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ] || If only we could ever be done within life, |
This was an intense display.
I could really feel the emotion building.
Its like unclenching a fist as you read the piece everything builds and then just lets go.
I enjoyed this thank you for sharing.
You go girl.
|| Posted on 2015-01-11 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ] |