Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: article 9dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: distortedcloud
    ASL Info:    25/M/London
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 6/8/7
    Words: 290
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 911
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1846



    Description:
       i came up with the title before i even looked to see if article 9 even related to my work a bit silly really but sometimes things fall into place you may find this interesting as a sub read.
    google, article 9 and a few wiki pages should come up .


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsarticle 9dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Theres rain patter on my mind.
    Soaked in stains, disposable shards of a shattered heart.
    Melting voices, that that hope for the strange
    copper jingles with the pain.
    Strain in the back of my eyes,
    disdain flows through my titanium veins.
    Choking tears still fill my wells
    left ear pressed against the walls of a home made cell.
    (Cut him loose)
    The words were spoken but not felt,
    daydreams confined to time in this smokey hell
    restrained aggression.
    The key to the lock in my hands swell
    hope whats the fucking point?
    if it ain't broken package it up it sells
    crack cocaine on the shelves.

    I see bombs not clouds in these grey skies,
    peace of mind is what they want?
    Well ill give you a piece of mine.
    Theres kids in the streets concealing the 9's.
    Stop asking me if i'm ok!
    Damn do i look like i'm feeling fine?
    Don't answer that, close your mouth an read the times
    because your not stealing mine.
    Crimes might put food on the plate,
    but it wont feed your mind.
    I see bullshit every day...
    So i just feel inclined,
    to infiltrate every home
    with a message i stole from god encoded in rhymes.

    Kamikazi children explode from the sky,
    red wine pours from the mouth of the floating crescent.
    Trying to kill my self in the past because hes decadent with every second i spend in the present.
    I'm the sorrow that made them jump from the twin towers on september the 11th.
    A headless horseman thats discontent with torment that walks the cracked cement,
    diablos 4th brother, hell fire reign of a self taught lier.
    Here to divide the empire an consider.




    Submitted on 2015-01-12 16:20:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The first two lines are captivating. I rush to comment, before I go any further.

    This is so saturated with compassion, the strain of it, the sorrow, it all is described very beautifully with you words.

    "
    I see bombs not clouds in these grey skies,
    peace of mind is what they want?
    Well ill give you a piece of mine.
    Theres kids in the streets concealing the 9's.
    Stop asking me if i'm ok!
    Damn do i look like i'm feeling fine?
    Don't answer that, close your mouth an read the times
    because your not stealing mine.
    Crimes might put food on the plate,
    but it wont feed your mind.
    I see bullshit every day...
    So i just feel inclined,
    to infiltrate every home
    with a message i stole from god encoded in rhymes. "


    Wow, there is more than just beautiful sensitivity (Which for me would have been enough) to this! This is better than Billy Joe Armstrong lyrics, you really have an awesome voice for the truth and political outreach. I am really impressed with this entire piece.

    It is a problem I believe with a voice like this you can really open up minds. You aren't just expressing emotion here you are begging us to wake up and see what you see and encouraging the reader to get a little more involved.

    Oh I love it brother revolutionary.
    God Bless you.


    | Posted on 2015-01-17 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but I have a suggestion for an edit in the first stanza. The line is as follows:

    Melting voices, that that hope for the strange

    I'm just suggesting to take out the second "that" haha. Another suggestion from the last stanza:

    diablos 4th brother, hell fire reign of a self taught lier.

    Just mispelled liar :P

    Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. It's a different sort of poetry that I'm not used to so it's fun to read this for me and get a different perspective and see how I can possibly write my own work differently. Keep writing, I like what I'm reading :)
    | Posted on 2015-01-13 00:00:00 | by riverrei | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    199874

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Incubus written by monad
    To written by SavedDragon
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Linger written by saartha

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry