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Author: Silverdog
Elite Ratio:    7.21 - 2086 /1512 /140
Words: 385
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1997
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 2582


Another older work revisited, revamped--I was never happy with some aspects of the original :-)



Today he brought her daisies
just like when they were livin'
in that school bus by the river long ago-
an old Bluebird he'd remodelled, the floors
were tiled with sunshine and the walls contained some freedom
from the warring world outside their folding door.

They hung crystals in the windows
that cast rainbows all around
in the coffee-scented mornings
all through the brilliant afternoons—
and they'd still see them nightly
as they held each other tightly,
making love beneath a smiling summer moon.

Their hair flowed wild and free back then
just like the winding river, where
the Bluebird sat, that bus that they called their home.
They took the road less travelled
as the skein of life unravelled, and
found joy in every moment,
no matter where they roamed.

With sand glass and tiny shells, wind chimes,
beads and silver bells, tie-dyed clothes and guitar song
in those flower-powered Bluebird days so long ago.
Like daisies and butterflies,
their love renewed at each sunrise
sweet scent of incense, midnight whispers so intense-
no matter which way the winds would blow.

Life's season's flew so swiftly by—
like a bluebird on the wing, but
when problems seemed insurmountable,
they couldn't even count them all,
somehow they still found the voice to sing—
of summer nights in younger days
of peace and love and gentler ways
when every day was woven 'round the sun.

And she'd say "Sometimes I think I'd like to fly
down to that winding river
like a bluebird through the sunset to the dawn-
for we've grown a little older--
Winter seems a whole lot colder, and
life was so much simpler then,
when you and I and all the world were one."

Today he brought her daisies
just like when they were livin'
in that school bus by the river long ago—
and one by one he cast them,
on the swirling, twirling waters, and watched
the current carry them along—
for he knew that she was rising now,
forever free and flying now
just like the summer's bluebirds
through the sunset to a new and glorious dawn.

Sally Bland 01/2015

Submitted on 2015-01-16 13:53:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I like the feel of this piece and oddly enough I really don't remember it from earlier. I'm not going to do any line to line; Phil has already done that once. Just going to make the observation that the 2nd strophe is the only one that does not contain the word "bluebird." I haven't decided if it needs more or less. There were places that I thought it wasn't really needed or maybe it the "like a bluebird" phrase that 's repeated that seems redundant.

Missed seeing you. and I'm not here nearly as much as I used to be but trying to be better. Miss chatting with you sis.
| Posted on 2015-01-19 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
  That was absolutely beautiful. I had to read this a couple times. I'm not used to poems being such detailed stories such as this so it threw me a little. I had to stop reading and come back to truly enjoy the story you have formed so clearly. You imagery and descriptiveness paints a wonderful picture that anyone would want to escape to and enjoy thinking about. The love story is so sweet and romantic that it makes me wish I had something like that in my life. You have an amazing talent that I wish I could have. Please keep sharing,
Being able to read your writing is a blessing.
| Posted on 2015-01-19 00:00:00 | by riverrei | [ Reply to This ]
  Sally – Welcome back. Been a while…no? Yeah, me too. Hey, a lovely write, very reflective. Some of us remember those days. I enjoyed reading it and flashed back to my “days in the Sun.” If you are still revamping I’m about to make a “few’ suggestions. Hope you don’t mind and feel free to disregard them.

S1 – L2 – Change “Just like” to “As he did.” L4 – Change “remodeled” to “refurbished.” Change “the” to “so its.” L5 – Maybe a comma or a pause of some sort after “world.”
S2 – L1 – Swap “In the windows” and “they hung crystals.” L3 – replace “in” with “from.” L4 – Drop “all” and replace “brilliant” with “sunlit.” L5 – “and still they’d be there nightly.”
S3 – L1 –“Back then, wild and free flowed their hair” L3 Drop “that” after “bus.”
S4 – L3 – Change “so” to “of.” L4 Add “the” before “daisies” and “butterflies.” L6 – Suggest you split this line into two at the comma between “Incense” and “midnight.” So that on L6 –Begin with “As the” and on new L7 – Begin with “Made” then replace “so” with “more.”
S5 – L1 – “As Life’s seasons swiftly flew.” L2 - Drop “but.” L3 – Change “seemed” to “piled.” L4 – Begin with “’til” L5 – Drop “still.” L6 – Change “in” to “and” – This one was questionable, maybe leave it alone.
S6 – L1 Change “say” to “said” Change it to say “sometime” and drop “I think.” L5 – Drop “and.” L6 – Add “and” and drop “then.”
S7 – L 2 (As in S1) Change “just like” to “as he did.” L9 – Drop “the” and add “flew” to the end of the line. L10 Purely a wild brain cramp, but maybe space out “and glorious dawn.”

Well, that’s it. Hope you find some use for this, but I just can’t resist commenting and making these types of suggestions. I thoroughly enjoyed your poem, like I said. It really brought back the memories, and I’m supposing that’s what you were after. It really worked for me. Another good one.

| Posted on 2015-01-16 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]

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