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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Mighty Thoughtsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ramneet
    ASL Info:    33/F/Boston
    Elite Ratio:    3 - 264/107/52
    Words: 189
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 989
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 572



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots The Mighty Thoughtsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    They make your vision.
    They make your world.
    They can make your adrenaline rush.
    Tormenting thoughts.
    Rejoicing thoughts.
    Sprint of the thoughts.
    Marathon of the thoughts.
    Purity of the thoughts.
    Positivity of the thoughts.
    Taking hiatus from the negative thoughts.
    Averts the turmoil of the thoughts.
    Culmination of a peaceful mind and a peaceful world.




    Submitted on 2015-01-20 00:51:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Overall not bad but try tightening the first three lines. You have so much repetition that this does not need to be part of it. Here's an example.

    Focusing vision
    Creating your world
    Controlling the adrenaline rush.

    This is actually closer in structure to the rest and does not look like you rushed through without choosing your words carefully. Every word needs to contribute or go.

    Sprint of the thoughts
    this line sounds and feels strange.
    try
    Sprinting thoughts.
    Hope you find t bhai is helpful.
    ~jan
    | Posted on 2015-01-22 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]


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