The Mighty Thoughts by Ramneet

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Submission Name: The Mighty Thoughts dots

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Author:	Ramneet
ASL Info:	33/F/Boston
Elite Ratio:	2.96 - 269/107/54
Words:	189

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	1147
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	572

Description:

The Mighty Thoughts dots

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They make your vision.
They make your world.
They can make your adrenaline rush.
Tormenting thoughts.
Rejoicing thoughts.
Sprint of the thoughts.
Marathon of the thoughts.
Purity of the thoughts.
Positivity of the thoughts.
Taking hiatus from the negative thoughts.
Averts the turmoil of the thoughts.
Culmination of a peaceful mind and a peaceful world.

Submitted on 2015-01-20 00:51:06 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
Overall not bad but try tightening the first three lines. You have so much repetition that this does not need to be part of it. Here's an example.

Focusing vision
Creating your world
Controlling the adrenaline rush.

This is actually closer in structure to the rest and does not look like you rushed through without choosing your words carefully. Every word needs to contribute or go.

Sprint of the thoughts
this line sounds and feels strange.
try
Sprinting thoughts.
Hope you find t bhai is helpful.
~jan

| Posted on 2015-01-22 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.