This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -
 

Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

The Mighty Thoughts


Author: Ramneet
ASL Info:    33/F/Boston
Elite Ratio:    2.94 - 272 /107 /55
Words: 189
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1882
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 572



Description:




The Mighty Thoughts



They make your vision.
They make your world.
They can make your adrenaline rush.
Tormenting thoughts.
Rejoicing thoughts.
Sprint of the thoughts.
Marathon of the thoughts.
Purity of the thoughts.
Positivity of the thoughts.
Taking hiatus from the negative thoughts.
Averts the turmoil of the thoughts.
Culmination of a peaceful mind and a peaceful world.




Submitted on 2015-01-20 00:51:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Overall not bad but try tightening the first three lines. You have so much repetition that this does not need to be part of it. Here's an example.

Focusing vision
Creating your world
Controlling the adrenaline rush.

This is actually closer in structure to the rest and does not look like you rushed through without choosing your words carefully. Every word needs to contribute or go.

Sprint of the thoughts
this line sounds and feels strange.
try
Sprinting thoughts.
Hope you find t bhai is helpful.
~jan
| Posted on 2015-01-22 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



199899