Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Give it Updots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Forgiven
    ASL Info:    38/F/Florida
    Elite Ratio:    3.82 - 335/330/93
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Rant/Misc
    Total Views: 653
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1021



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGive it Updots
    -------------------------------------------


    And there I was...
    it its fullness
    spelling its "true intention"
    revealing the snake beneath...


    Who am I to judge?
    My life has not been ponies and rainbows.

    But the only difference,
    I'm making the change.
    The uncomfortable,
    life altering,
    mind setting..
    Necessary Changes!

    I was there,
    in its "realities"
    living again in its fantasies,
    believing its lies..
    what a fool.
    a misjudge of the masses,
    of myself,
    of who is the "trusted"

    Ohh wolf in your sheep's clothing,
    you got me there for a quick moment
    but I washed your clothes...

    I stumbled into your hidden dirt
    revealing all your lies...


    But I've learned a hard lesson,
    and I guess that was the true meaning of this....


    Time to brush my shoulders off....




    Submitted on 2015-01-21 17:51:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Not sure about the second line. Typo? I also think you could tighten the first line of stanza 2 to "Only difference" Id also take out the "of this" in the second to last line. It made me go hmmm, re-read and still felt I'd missed what the elusive "this" refers to. Cryptic and open are good but not when it distracts the reader.
    Overall I liked the poem. It read like a diary conversation with self and selfish. Good structure and movement of lines..
    ~jan
    | Posted on 2015-01-22 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      Not sure about the second line. Typo? I also think you could tighten the first line of stanza 2 to "Only difference" Id also take out the "of this" in the second to last line. It made me go hmmm, re-read and still felt I'd missed what the elusive "this" refers to. Cryptic and open are good but not when it distracts the reader.
    Overall I liked the poem. It read like a diary conversation with self and selfish. Good structure and movement of lines..
    ~jan
    | Posted on 2015-01-22 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    199900

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Incubus written by monad
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    To written by SavedDragon
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Bond written by saartha
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry