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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: tie my handsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: distortedcloud
    ASL Info:    25/M/London
    Elite Ratio:    6.42 - 6/8/6
    Words: 583
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 729
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3363



    Description:
       http://youtu.be/XbUIxpKSWSQ
    i made a video so you can listen as you read


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotstie my handsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I used to think the love of a chick is what I needed
    but now I know they boa constrict on your cardiovascular
    till it stops beating
    got my heart under her feet an the souls still bleeding
    I cant take this shit on top of the grind
    don't know when i'm next eating
    this shit got me on my knees speaking
    praying to god that I hardly believe in
    life’s hard
    on my path
    I don't wanna have to make sparks fly
    when the ends arn't meeting
    reminiscent of days when we used to fuck all evening
    because we couldn't pay the heating
    no worries because she was by your side
    and neither of us planned on leaving
    till it all goes bad and you start cheating
    next thing you know phone numbers are deleting them selfs
    standing in the kitchen
    plagued by the scars of affliction
    now the world knows you ain't feeling so well
    you miss her kiss its addiction
    so you light up another spliff but your lips still freezing
    in these dusty streets of hell
    I got all these questions I been asking to myself
    like why fuck wasn't it me that got hit by that shell
    they say time heals
    but i'm real
    so I know what they mean really is that time kills
    my minds grilled
    I just wanna lay to rest on a fine field
    with out all the land mines still

    wearing your heart on your sleeve
    will get you left standing alone in a bloody puddle
    searching for words in a pile of dusty rubble
    the things you would give to go back and have another cuddle
    but its to late you smell like shit and cant be fucked to cut the stubble
    every time you open your mouth it just lands you in a heap of trouble
    it hurts when your love isnt returned
    or when trust is too hard to earn
    ive written my scars into words
    so scatter my ashes when my black books gets burned
    its hard not to reminisce when life take a u turn
    but thats just proof that theres lessons that you learned
    an most of the time it seem to the hard way
    my eyes seen to many of a dark days
    but I shouldn't have made my heart sway
    but you cant blame when my home used to be a park pathway
    or how many times at such a young age I saw friends and families souls part ways
    but for you life was sweet as a nut mixed in the satay
    I predicted the lies an saw through the tears with a hard face
    you pulled apart my life life as you laughed with your mates
    but I didn't falter
    I fortified my heart with iron wrought gates
    and dispatched my thoughts into deep space
    unlike you i'm no rush to replace and fall victim to the fate
    because this time I don't want to watch the replay

    so tie my hands throw my past in the river
    born loosing but growing to be a winner
    climbing higher mountains because the dreams are getting bigger

    i'm going paint me a pretty picture
    find a nice lady with a little figure
    we can lie by the sea side lazy
    home is where my heart is so ill always be with her









    Submitted on 2015-01-25 09:43:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Congrats. Modern epic here, a great story told with soul and edge. Fine cup of tea mister.

    By the last stanza I really wanted to encourage the speaker character that the journey of love this took is the perfect environment for recreating something new. And then as if reading my mind you went there. A tale told from experience. Raw and beautiful. Heart on your sleeve, vulnerability is so gorgeous.

    Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2015-02-02 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Ln 4 an = and
    Ln 12 arn't = aren't
    Ln 15 you changed from first person "I" to third person "you" when your still referring to yourself. Pick one tense for a Verse and stick with it or your meaning gets confused.
    My only suggestion is to decide if fuck is really the word you have to use. If this is for you and friends it's fine and for the genre acceptable, but does a bleep convey the right meaning when its edited to a clean version of does it affect the song. If if does and you are recording this you need to look at it for an optional word.
    The rhythm moves through this although there are a few places that it feels choppy its really hard to critique that since if depends on the speakers/singers flow. Thanks for posting.
    | Posted on 2015-01-28 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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