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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Malignant headdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 137/243/158
    Words: 75
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 948
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 512



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMalignant headdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I leave the traces all over
    each surface in this winter air,
    expanded high-ceilinged halls,
    icy walled,
    perfectly angled reflection.
    I sit near (you) and almost choke
    not because I’m sad or resentful -
    just tired, and there is a dull
    sobbing going on somewhere.
    White hot cut of betrayal --
    I could only twist up the soles
    between the floor
    and my own
    malignant head,
    searing.







    Submitted on 2015-02-04 16:50:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I sat here reading this several times. Betrayal causes a lot of anger and hurt, and its that only thing you focus on for a while.
    Let me start out by saying I like the tension you created with your word choice and the conciseness of this poem.
    This is the only part that gave me a bit of pause... "I can only twist up the soles/between the floor" (souls?) I'm not sure this is adding anything the reader can grasp. It's an abrupt change of metaphor in a short write, or maybe its because the imagery from soles to head is too interrupted with line changes.
    It left me not quite sure... I don't know that I'd change it or what I'd change in that last section maybe taking out "I could only" and start with Twisting. Just a thought.
    Hope this is not a peek at your diary!
    | Posted on 2015-03-11 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]


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