Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Malignant head


Author: expiring_touch
ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
Elite Ratio:    3.94 - 139 /256 /171
Words: 75
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1529
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 517



Description:




Malignant head



I leave the traces all over
each surface in this winter air,
expanded high-ceilinged halls,
icy walled,
perfectly angled reflection.
I sit near (you) and almost choke
not because I’m sad or resentful -
just tired, and there is a dull
sobbing going on somewhere.
White hot cut of betrayal --
I could only twist up the soles
between the floor
and my own
malignant head,
searing.







Submitted on 2015-02-04 16:50:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  I sat here reading this several times. Betrayal causes a lot of anger and hurt, and its that only thing you focus on for a while.
Let me start out by saying I like the tension you created with your word choice and the conciseness of this poem.
This is the only part that gave me a bit of pause... "I can only twist up the soles/between the floor" (souls?) I'm not sure this is adding anything the reader can grasp. It's an abrupt change of metaphor in a short write, or maybe its because the imagery from soles to head is too interrupted with line changes.
It left me not quite sure... I don't know that I'd change it or what I'd change in that last section maybe taking out "I could only" and start with Twisting. Just a thought.
Hope this is not a peek at your diary!
| Posted on 2015-03-11 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



199937