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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Birthday Songdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Silverdog
    Elite Ratio:    7.21 - 2085/1512/140
    Words: 244
    Class/Type: Misc/Depressed
    Total Views: 584
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1704



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBirthday Songdots
    -------------------------------------------




    Another year has passed me by,
    a birthday marked with friends,
    a little cake, and too much wine ,
    another chapter ends.
    Alone now in a corner booth
    deep in annual introspection,
    I order one more for the road—
    a road with no direction.

    The candle sputters a tiny death
    as smoky shadows steal it’s glow,
    I welcome darkness to my table,
    for darkness’ comfort is all I know .
    And it’s ironic how small events
    take on personal significance,
    like carefully folded gift wrap,
    memories smoothed and tucked away,
    with treasured cardboard sentiments
    in cob-webbed cubby-holes of grey.

    Thoughts of you are strewn tonight….
    like shards of glass upon the floor
    where once I danced with blind abandon,
    barefoot and passionate as ne’er before;
    gashes gouged in tender trust,
    my golden ring has turned to rust.
    Then, all my cares were pink balloons,
    each dawn a rose unfurling sweetly ,
    and every night ‘neath silver moon
    surrendered to your love completely.

    Another year has passed me by.
    Happy Birthday the silence screams!
    A flame snuffed out that shone so bright,
    pretty paper wraps broken dreams.
    Tomorrow I will turn the page,
    stash the past back on the shelf
    tonight I’ll have another drink-
    here in this booth, all by myself.

    Another year has passed me by,
    The icing on the cake was sweet ..
    Dawn will light new paths uncharted
    I’ll tread softly, with hobbled feet.




    Submitted on 2015-02-07 15:06:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Sally,
    Funny how as we get older, birthdays become a time for reflections. Sometimes its nice to give ourselves that one day to remember and be melancholy. As always, your words paint a beautiful picture; that is your gift and I'm glad you shared.
    I put this into a syllable counter for fun. I know how much you love your structure and forms. And this one runs a bit free in places, but I was amazed at the steadiness of it and that contributes to the rhythm. The rhyme scheme has its own merits. It's there woven tightly in some places and more loosely in others held only by the assonance. The change in stanza three works. Its very deliberate and pushes the reader into your dance even if it has some vitriolic fuel. A quick lively reel. S4L7 Capitalize Tonight or semicolon before it. My only other thoughts is with the imagery of the last line "hobbled"? Makes me think of chains. "gauze-wrapped" perhaps would be a better image, although it connotes a chance for healing, at least until you dance on glass again.

    It was good to see you posting again!
    Love Ya Sis
    Jan
    PS- I now have spell check on my posts...yeah!!! But did you know that connotates is now archaic and obsolete? It's hell getting old!
    | Posted on 2015-02-10 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      How bland life can be when there's no one special to share it with. And birthdays are ever more depressing even when shared with friends. There is always something missing that would make it special, unforgettable.

    This is a very nice poem. The flow is faultless. The mood is, admittedly, very sad and yet very pensive. The words you have used are very interesting and colorful. Like:
    "Happy Birthday the silence screams!"
    "in cob-webbed cubby-holes of grey."
    "pretty paper wraps broken dreams."
    Very special, unique, imaginative.

    I'd suggest maybe in your first stanza, line six to change annual to yearly. I think the flow would be more smooth alongside all the other lines. That is all up to you! And in stanza two, line two I think you meant to write "its glow" instead of "it's glow."

    Thank you so much for this! It has been a pleasurable read.
    | Posted on 2015-02-09 00:00:00 | by wordsofmind | [ Reply to This ]
      Loneliness lends itself so well to poetry. Sorrowful whimsicalities of being hurt by a significant other. This is not classical romance yet has an undeniable compassionate yearning that draws the tear while reminding the reader the subject position of lost love, unrequited love is a desirable one.

    Single, alone, finding, never letting go, being between lovers can itself be an eternity.
    | Posted on 2015-02-09 00:00:00 | by ContritePoet38 | [ Reply to This ]
      I adore your piece. I haven't visited this site in around 5+ years and your piece was the first I read. I truly FEEL this. "The candle sputters a tiny death" that is definitely my favorite line in the piece. It reminds me of how I feel now in my late 20s...single and alone.
    | Posted on 2015-02-09 00:00:00 | by duhleesuh | [ Reply to This ]
      Aww, I don't have a lover either. How I wish I could find someone new to share all those little quirky things that lovers do.

    Bruce
    | Posted on 2015-02-07 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]


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