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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Enraptureddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MyPeriodical
    ASL Info:    18/m/pr
    Elite Ratio:    4.32 - 288/229/264
    Words: 261
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 716
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1672



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEnraptureddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I bathed that morning after,
    With the notion that there were something to rid;
    To relieve my external body of the crisp filth that I had thought to inhabit my pores and layer over my skin.

    I step from the cubicle;
    Groggy, in a mild stupor;
    And as my heel faces the tile, I face the longing for her once more.

    Alas, twasn't my organs that need be cleansed
    but the common priorities I'd yet to mend.

    Her hands harbor the healing properties of a divine sorceress- this, I'd sworn fallacious.
    As a non-theistic man having a spiritual experience,
    And a writer making mark on her transcendental disposition,

    I make my reckoning;

    Her fingers; slender slips of God
    And eyes, irrefutably multi-dimensional portals;
    Be it I ascend to Elysium, she chose me
    Be it I ascend unto immortality,
    she is my home.
    And be it neither, may I render her the initial suspicion of acatalepsy.

    I dab my face with a cotton sheet
    Where she'd cupped my cheeks
    and I make the rendition
    Meeting eye-to-eye with my own reflection
    that the words she spoke
    Muttering into my mouth
    And spilling down my throat
    laced with an elixir used to conquer my body
    Just as in as out.

    The same could be said about the black tea she'd prepare for the both of us
    Enthralling herself with what to sweeten and with what to prod
    I suspect my mug tainted at the spout, lest she poison herself
    with the utter suspicion that I was God.




    Submitted on 2015-02-16 17:38:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      To relieve my external body of the crisp filth that I had thought to inhabit my pores and layer over my skin.

    I can see your dilemma concerning pores/pours when you critiqued my poem, I have to concede I made a mistake and am glad you pointed it out.

    Anyway I like that line you have there, it reminds me of Charles Baudelaire, and the imagery of the opening lines evokes a barely cognitive state which turns into a sense of longing.

    Some of the language in the poem seems to me to be anachronistic and jarring, I can't tell if you're using it ironically or because you like to use words like "'twasn't" in general but I don't think it adds much to the poem.

    Still, I think overall it's pretty interesting, and I like the solipsism (and honestly, I can't think of another word for two people who are interchanging the position God throughout the poem) displayed throughout. The sense of time passing is conveyed very well, it doesn't jump from scene to scene in an awkward fashion, it moves with ease.

    I don't have any recommendations to improve from a creative stand-point, though as I see it there is a grammatical error the second line: "were" should probably be "was". I don't know how much you care about that kind of thing, it doesn't really bother me, I just thought I'd point it out in case it's not deliberate.

    I liked the rhymes throughout, and it's very generous in its scope.

    Really good poem.

    | Posted on 2015-08-20 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      S1L2 change were to was.
    I'd create some break in the last stanza also just to give some visual structure.

    Titles:
    New Horizons
    Breakfast or Tea for Two
    Alternate Persuasion
    Fresh Persuasions
    Vista Interchange
    Panoramic Interchange

    I think it needs to be something that points to the freshness and newness of a relationship that seems to alter your outlook at first contact. I like the non-believer getting a fresh look, that emphasizes the spark or jolt that alters perspective. You did a great job describing what is almost indescribable even if you've had that moment. Hopefully this will jog something.
    ~jan
    | Posted on 2015-02-18 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      Just so that everyone knows...I suggested that you title this Elysium, haha. Wonderful read. I didn't like how you perceive yourself as God, but I understand how it fits into the poem and the story inside the poem. Very intriguing piece :) I look forward to reading more. Let me know how it goes with the publishing website thingy :P
    | Posted on 2015-02-18 00:00:00 | by riverrei | [ Reply to This ]


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