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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mistaking Nights for Lonelydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blankscreen
    ASL Info:    22/f/NY
    Elite Ratio:    5.57 - 222/196/163
    Words: 365
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 439
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2204



    Description:
       


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    dotsMistaking Nights for Lonelydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Am I the only one who is still making autopsies of our old conversations?
    I’ve been taking out all the words, and dusting them off
    Re-wiring them like pieces to an old bicycle
    To see if I can find the edges that used to fit so perfectly inside this tornado
    I wonder what toxin unhooked them
    And how we can make the wheels run smooth again

    Remember when you tried to fill the spaces in between our silences
    With the palms of your hands?
    You guessed that love was just the combination of scapegoat and sorrow
    And now I am wondering
    Which one of us mistook nights for lonely

    Sometimes I think I am crazy
    Because when I think of love
    I only ever see your face
    Skewed like someone was trying to skip stones on it’s reflection
    I keep dreaming that you still remember how to hold me

    Most days I can’t sleep
    Because I can still feel the remnants of your arms around me
    I keep replaying scenes in my head
    From moments
    That I am still repeating
    Still trying to fill my womb with someone else’s flesh
    To erase your name sketched on to my chest
    From before I even met you

    I wish we knew each other in another lifetime
    Because this one wasn’t meant for us
    I’ve been trying to re-paint the windows to our apartment
    That still have your name etched in them
    From all the times your feet were half-out the door

    Some days I find myself sleep-walking steps back to your house
    Wondering how we wandered off so far
    I mistake your memory for panic attacks
    I didn’t know love was supposed to hurt this bad

    I apologize for not being happy with the remnants of your days
    Letting my pride blind my guilt, I know you were searching for something
    That couldn’t be found in my eyes, and I knew you would find it
    So I learned to set fire to our memories
    I watched as our kisses danced with the smoke
    And ashes lit up your smile
    Your smile.

    The fire never caught quite right did it?




    Submitted on 2015-02-18 03:38:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      "Still trying to fill my womb with someone else’s flesh
    To erase your name sketched on to my chest
    From before I even met you"
    That painted a very strong picture. So eloquent and powerful.

    "I wish we knew each other in another lifetime
    Because this one wasn’t meant for us"
    Oh, I have felt this way before. I have loved a few people in my lifetime that I will never forget. A piece of them will always be in my heart. I know deep down inside, if we were more mature or in any other circumstance, it could have worked for us.

    "I mistake your memory for panic attacks
    I didn’t know love was supposed to hurt this bad"
    That was very interesting. Memories and panic attacks intertwining and one not being able to distinguish the difference. Panic attacks can hurt. So can memories. And love can become a sad painful affair.

    I really enjoyed this poem. It spoke to me. And I think many of us have felt this way one time or another about someone.

    I only found one mistake. On stanza 3, line 4, I think you meant to write "its reflection."
    | Posted on 2015-02-27 00:00:00 | by wordsofmind | [ Reply to This ]
      Been there done that and life is pretty rough for a while, so I really connected to this. I think you could tighten up the first line a bit. It's long and drawn out but could be shortened by changing verb tense to : Am I the only one who autopsies our old conversations? Basically changes autopsies from a noun to its verb form. I also think you have too many metaphors running around in this strophe. autopsies, wiring bicycles (not sure about that one), toxins, and tornadoes. Restoring might be a better word than re-wiring. The imagery doesn't quite fit together in this first section.
    The rest of it runs pretty smoothly and the poem really tugged at my feeling, but I had to get past the disjointedness of your beginning.
    ~jan
    | Posted on 2015-02-19 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      The feels of this poem hit me pretty hard. I feel this way all the time and can't help but think back on a certain ex boyfriend of mine. It's really hard when you're still friends with them, too. Or still in the process of growing apart and him leaving...that's where I'm at with my current boyfriend. I feel like he's just hanging on to me until he finds something better, and all the reasons you describe in your poem.

    This is wonderful and I can easily relate to it. I love the word choice and format of this piece. The only suggestion I would make, if I had to choose something, would be in the 4th stanza. I would combine lines 4 and 5 so it read "From moments that I am still repeating". But this is minor and you don't even have to do that if you don't want to.

    Please keep writing and sharing your work. Though, this brought back painful memories it was still a good read. Thank you for sharing :)
    | Posted on 2015-02-18 00:00:00 | by riverrei | [ Reply to This ]


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