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Submission Name:
Without You
--------------------------------------------------------
Author:
BlazeFlamme
ASL Info:
22/m/TX
Elite Ratio:
1.81 - 23/160/138
Words:
117
Class/Type:
Poetry/Misc
Total Views:
867
Average Vote:
No vote yet.
Bytes:
783
Description:
Without You
-------------------------------------------
Without You
It’s been eight years now
And feels nothing has changed
Certainly not how I feel
Certainly not the pain
And I know I’ve been wronged
Countless times before
But it was me who let go
Of what I so adored
I still think about you
Just about every day
I won’t lose the memories
They won’t fade away
Sometimes I hear a song
That brings you to mind
But my dreams are the real weight
More often I find
And I remember thinking
When we fell apart
You’ll haunt me forever
From inside my heart
I may have been right,
But without you,
I’d rather live with ghosts.
Submitted on 2015-04-11 00:19:46
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||| Comments |||
I agree with Carousel. The last line sounds rhythmically anticlimatic. Try following it with another shorter line in the vein of the previous quatrains.
| Posted on 2015-05-11 00:00:00 | by
MadGeologist
| [
Reply to This
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That last line. It bucked me. I enjoyed the simplicity of the beginning and the thumping weight of the middle, but that last line feels all wrong.
-Carrie
| Posted on 2015-04-12 00:00:00 | by
Carosuel
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Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [
Guidelines
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1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?
200150
Jimmy Ruska
Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.
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