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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Philosophy of The Anthophila Flowerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ShadowParadox
    Elite Ratio:    2.65 - 23/66/34
    Words: 245
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 725
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1868



    Description:
       This was very difficult to write, the message is: Be comfortable in your skin, no one can be you. Hope you enjoy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPhilosophy of The Anthophila Flowerdots
    -------------------------------------------



    ~
    I'm embedded in a honeycomb dream
    Where golden bees with shiny onyx stripes,
    buzz and vibrate

    “Take me away”

    I cry
    But their TV eyes only reflect my sorrows
    I'm burning in a flaming photosynthesis
    Sucked into the ashes of unknowing

    A metal proboscis stabs thru my head
    They are killing the old me
    Injecting new languages into my being
    As carbon butterflies the color of life,
    drink hope from my flower heart

    I'm dressed in a pollen wedding dress
    While sea green wings flap around me
    My life is dedicated to nurture those that need me

    I am an insect hive

    I bloom in spring to swallow summer
    Winter can't touch me
    My palace is the Indigo Forest

    You dare not pluck me
    For my stem is a stinger
    I belong here in the honey dirt
    Blossoming and stretching my sheer webbed petals
    Diamond sugar drips from my tip

    Thick and sweet

    No human tongue can taste
    For its poison
    You can look but you can't touch

    The rare kiss of an Autumn bird with fiery wings
    Will change me into a beautiful human
    But the honey inside my skin will be toxin
    My presents will sting like smoke

    The rain shall transform me back
    Where I belong

    -For false skin is like makeup
    that can be easily washed off.-
    ~




    Submitted on 2015-04-21 05:07:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think there are some quite stunning parts in this poem and I really enjoy the underlying message you're expressing. I've read many of your poems and I always love the imaginative vision you incorporate into them. You've created a world through your words.

    My one critique would be that I would think carefully about adjective use. I would let one word do the job of two, of sometimes maybe leave off the adjectives altogether. When I first began writing a few years ago I used a lot of adjectives in an effort to achieve a mood, or this is what I was aiming to do. I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to work with a group of poets who offered really honest critique and helped to get down to the essence of what I wanted to express. I guess I'm just trying to say, this is something I relate to and would like to pass on good advice I've received.

    I'm just going to take a stanza from above and show you what I mean and also point out a couple of grammar points:

    The rare kiss of an Autumn bird with fiery wings -[like here, I think you could say either Autumn bird or a bird with fiery wings and the one image would have a more subtle or delicate effect]
    Will change me into a beautiful human
    But the honey inside my skin will be toxin -[I'm not sure if you meant 'toxic' or 'toxin' if you are using 'toxin' I would add an a like 'a toxin']
    My presents will sting like smoke -[here I'm wondering if you meant 'presence' as in being there bodily]

    So then it would be something like:

    The rare kiss of a bird with fiery wings
    Will change me into a beautiful human
    But the honey inside my skin will be toxic
    My presence will sting like smoke

    I really enjoy the mood you create in your writing.
    | Posted on 2015-04-22 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]


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