Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Philosophy of The Anthophila Flowerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ShadowParadox
    Elite Ratio:    2.74 - 25/67/35
    Words: 245
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 804
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1868



    Description:
       This was very difficult to write, the message is: Be comfortable in your skin, no one can be you. Hope you enjoy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPhilosophy of The Anthophila Flowerdots
    -------------------------------------------



    ~
    I'm embedded in a honeycomb dream
    Where golden bees with shiny onyx stripes,
    buzz and vibrate

    “Take me away”

    I cry
    But their TV eyes only reflect my sorrows
    I'm burning in a flaming photosynthesis
    Sucked into the ashes of unknowing

    A metal proboscis stabs thru my head
    They are killing the old me
    Injecting new languages into my being
    As carbon butterflies the color of life,
    drink hope from my flower heart

    I'm dressed in a pollen wedding dress
    While sea green wings flap around me
    My life is dedicated to nurture those that need me

    I am an insect hive

    I bloom in spring to swallow summer
    Winter can't touch me
    My palace is the Indigo Forest

    You dare not pluck me
    For my stem is a stinger
    I belong here in the honey dirt
    Blossoming and stretching my sheer webbed petals
    Diamond sugar drips from my tip

    Thick and sweet

    No human tongue can taste
    For its poison
    You can look but you can't touch

    The rare kiss of an Autumn bird with fiery wings
    Will change me into a beautiful human
    But the honey inside my skin will be toxin
    My presents will sting like smoke

    The rain shall transform me back
    Where I belong

    -For false skin is like makeup
    that can be easily washed off.-
    ~




    Submitted on 2015-04-21 05:07:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think there are some quite stunning parts in this poem and I really enjoy the underlying message you're expressing. I've read many of your poems and I always love the imaginative vision you incorporate into them. You've created a world through your words.

    My one critique would be that I would think carefully about adjective use. I would let one word do the job of two, of sometimes maybe leave off the adjectives altogether. When I first began writing a few years ago I used a lot of adjectives in an effort to achieve a mood, or this is what I was aiming to do. I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to work with a group of poets who offered really honest critique and helped to get down to the essence of what I wanted to express. I guess I'm just trying to say, this is something I relate to and would like to pass on good advice I've received.

    I'm just going to take a stanza from above and show you what I mean and also point out a couple of grammar points:

    The rare kiss of an Autumn bird with fiery wings -[like here, I think you could say either Autumn bird or a bird with fiery wings and the one image would have a more subtle or delicate effect]
    Will change me into a beautiful human
    But the honey inside my skin will be toxin -[I'm not sure if you meant 'toxic' or 'toxin' if you are using 'toxin' I would add an a like 'a toxin']
    My presents will sting like smoke -[here I'm wondering if you meant 'presence' as in being there bodily]

    So then it would be something like:

    The rare kiss of a bird with fiery wings
    Will change me into a beautiful human
    But the honey inside my skin will be toxic
    My presence will sting like smoke

    I really enjoy the mood you create in your writing.
    | Posted on 2015-04-22 00:00:00 | by emwren | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    200183

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Incubus written by monad
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    This written by Chelebel
    Giving written by jjd
    Push written by JanePlane
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    To written by SavedDragon
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry