I am here,
I have always been.
Under the sweet of mother's kisses,
In circumstances of lover's sins.
I am everlasting,
though I die everyday.
I am born in the fog of beauty,
I make pretty a homely face.
I am not patient,
and I am not kind.
I move like lightning,
What you think is lost, I find.
Every hidden ache of you,
I beat within your heart.
I eat longing and flower,
but my thorns tear you apart.
But, when I hold you,
I'll kiss away the tears.
Tend to my gardens
and I will bloom for years.
I am love.
I am here.
| Baby don't hurt me! :D I think Haddaway ruined that title for everyone. I would change it. Everything else is good. I like this poem. Especially the fast pace and the fury it has.||| Posted on 2016-10-21 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ] || "I (always) have been." - Second line|
"Under the sweet(ness) of mother's kisses," - Third line; side-tip: Under what? Don't you think it'd fall into place a tad better if set with "(buried/nuzzled/laying) under the sweet(ness) of mother's kisses,"?
"(Under) circumstances of lover's sins." - Fourth line; not only would the repetition do in your favor, but "in" doesn't exactly suit the word "circumstance".
"(yet) I die everyday." - Sixth line; you are not complimenting, you are contradicting.
"I eat longing and (bloom/flower[s]?)," - Fifteenth line; I wasn't exactly sure what your intention was with this.
I love the metaphorical objective of this; it flows swimmingly.
|| Posted on 2015-05-14 00:00:00 | by MyPeriodical | [ Reply to This ] || This is beautiful. I know you wrote it from the perspective of love itself, but it reads well even as if from the perspective of one of the lovers. I would change up a couple of the verses in how they're worded, but I surmise that simply has to do with my style. For example, V2: as I've always been. It carries the same sense of auditory brevity as V1 (sort of), and offers a smoother transition than the comma.|
Also gardens always reads as a dirty sexual metaphor to me so it works out well in this poem, haha.
|| Posted on 2015-05-01 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ] |