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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: What is love?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Carosuel
    ASL Info:    26/F/Twirlwind
    Elite Ratio:    4.93 - 96/73/28
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 585
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 684



    Description:
       Jotting down thoughts and taking criticisms.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhat is love?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am here,
    I have always been.
    Under the sweet of mother's kisses,
    In circumstances of lover's sins.
    I am everlasting,
    though I die everyday.
    I am born in the fog of beauty,
    I make pretty a homely face.
    I am not patient,
    and I am not kind.
    I move like lightning,
    What you think is lost, I find.
    Every hidden ache of you,
    I beat within your heart.
    I eat longing and flower,
    but my thorns tear you apart.
    But, when I hold you,
    I'll kiss away the tears.
    Tend to my gardens
    and I will bloom for years.
    I am love.
    I am here.




    Submitted on 2015-04-26 14:49:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Baby don't hurt me! :D I think Haddaway ruined that title for everyone. I would change it. Everything else is good. I like this poem. Especially the fast pace and the fury it has.
    | Posted on 2016-10-21 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      "I (always) have been." - Second line
    "Under the sweet(ness) of mother's kisses," - Third line; side-tip: Under what? Don't you think it'd fall into place a tad better if set with "(buried/nuzzled/laying) under the sweet(ness) of mother's kisses,"?
    "(Under) circumstances of lover's sins." - Fourth line; not only would the repetition do in your favor, but "in" doesn't exactly suit the word "circumstance".
    "(yet) I die everyday." - Sixth line; you are not complimenting, you are contradicting.
    "I eat longing and (bloom/flower[s]?)," - Fifteenth line; I wasn't exactly sure what your intention was with this.

    I love the metaphorical objective of this; it flows swimmingly.
    Lovely, nonetheless.
    | Posted on 2015-05-14 00:00:00 | by MyPeriodical | [ Reply to This ]
      This is beautiful. I know you wrote it from the perspective of love itself, but it reads well even as if from the perspective of one of the lovers. I would change up a couple of the verses in how they're worded, but I surmise that simply has to do with my style. For example, V2: as I've always been. It carries the same sense of auditory brevity as V1 (sort of), and offers a smoother transition than the comma.

    Also gardens always reads as a dirty sexual metaphor to me so it works out well in this poem, haha.

    Marc
    | Posted on 2015-05-01 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


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