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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: O Charlesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 261
    Class/Type: Prose/Longing
    Total Views: 758
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1621



    Description:
       Some version of nostalgia.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsO Charlesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I found an old Bukowski book in my bathroom
    That I use to read
    In the tub
    By candlelight

    And now I am reading
    On the toilet
    Page after page of the damned
    World he wrote of
    Frankly spoken

    "What has occurred, What has failed to occur?"

    Someone correct me if I am wrong
    But I have never seen
    These things
    End
    For the better
    Just a satisfying taste of bitter coffee
    No sugar
    No cream
    And that is exactly how I use to take my coffee
    Just like my dad did
    Because he was a
    Logger
    A real old fashioned skitter driving, tree dragging, trecking through many feet of mud and snow, bearing all sorts of weather, backbone of America
    He got up at three in the morning
    And took it black
    So he would be good and awake when he got to the woods

    My thoughts change
    And go back
    To the original point

    I am reading Charles Bukowski
    While I take a shit
    And I smell coffee brewing
    Which I intend to add one teaspoon of sugar and two teaspoons of hazelnut creamer
    And I hear my newborn baby waking up and stretching and grunting

    There is bitterness here
    In my reading bukowski while I crap
    And there is bitterness thinking about my dad
    Which is another story

    But when I am done with this shit I am going to add pleasantries to my cup of coffee
    And sing to my child
    While I feed him





    Submitted on 2015-04-28 11:58:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the bluntness and they way it is kind of style-wise Bukowski-ish (I never really got into him myself but it seems like him).

    There are a couple of weak points. I think you know where there are, but I also know they could be Bukowski references I just am not getting.

    "World he wrote of
    Frankly spoken"

    was a bit odd

    "And that is exactly how I use to take my coffee"

    should be "use(d) to take my coffee" (past tense)

    "Which I intend to add one teaspoon of sugar and two teaspoons of hazelnut creamer"

    should be "To which I intend..." etc. (or "Which I intend to add one teaspoon of sugar and two teaspoons of hazelnut creamer to," but ending with a preposition is always weird."

    You say shit a lot. You could say it less and still it would be good. But I guess I liked how much you pushed the word "shit" as well, until it became a little over-the-top in a tongue-in-cheek manner.



    | Posted on 2015-05-07 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought this poem was a bit of a stand out. I think in poetry a lot of the time my aim is to create an alternative dimension where a reader can experience feeling. So, if my feeling was disco i would want reader to be all up on the dance floor with their eyes closed and the lights and the music,

    here it's so different because all the personal detail really enriches it so it's a person specific poem and in that way it's like the beginning of a great movie that draws you in. 'Of Mice and Men' is like that with Gary Sinese and John Malkovich, for me when you watch it there's only one story like that, one set of those particular circumstances, and one way it could be told.

    So I liked that about this poem, I liked how richly it was told and the many different notes in it.

    I get the general picture about Bukowski
    so I liked that you took this 'girl taking a shit in a poem poem'
    and added the nuances about experience and the sweetener and the creamer.

    I also kind of adored the generational transference, like this was/is about this, but through the door there is my son and that's another thing entirely, that's a wonderful elevation to this poem.


    I admire the bluntness, in it, that you achieved, in this girl taking a shit in a poem poem.
    | Posted on 2015-05-01 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      raw words, like wounds
    ooze through the cracks of quiet souls

    contemplating the might have beens

    what was, is, is to come
    the pages of a finished work

    the echo of another sun


    Just some thoughts on yours.





    | Posted on 2015-04-28 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      And some wonder why men like women's tits. Of they've inspired visions of godhead and world religions to boot. They keep us grounded yet they help us reach the sky. Wondrous apparitions.

    Bruce
    | Posted on 2015-04-28 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]


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