O Charles -------------------------------------------
I found an old Bukowski book in my bathroom
That I use to read
In the tub
And now I am reading
On the toilet
Page after page of the damned
World he wrote of
"What has occurred, What has failed to occur?"
Someone correct me if I am wrong
But I have never seen
For the better
Just a satisfying taste of bitter coffee
And that is exactly how I use to take my coffee
Just like my dad did
Because he was a
A real old fashioned skitter driving, tree dragging, trecking through many feet of mud and snow, bearing all sorts of weather, backbone of America
He got up at three in the morning
And took it black
So he would be good and awake when he got to the woods
My thoughts change
And go back
To the original point
I am reading Charles Bukowski
While I take a shit
And I smell coffee brewing
Which I intend to add one teaspoon of sugar and two teaspoons of hazelnut creamer
And I hear my newborn baby waking up and stretching and grunting
There is bitterness here
In my reading bukowski while I crap
And there is bitterness thinking about my dad
Which is another story
But when I am done with this shit I am going to add pleasantries to my cup of coffee
And sing to my child
While I feed him
I like the bluntness and they way it is kind of style-wise Bukowski-ish (I never really got into him myself but it seems like him).
There are a couple of weak points. I think you know where there are, but I also know they could be Bukowski references I just am not getting.
"World he wrote of
was a bit odd
"And that is exactly how I use to take my coffee"
should be "use(d) to take my coffee" (past tense)
"Which I intend to add one teaspoon of sugar and two teaspoons of hazelnut creamer"
should be "To which I intend..." etc. (or "Which I intend to add one teaspoon of sugar and two teaspoons of hazelnut creamer to," but ending with a preposition is always weird."
You say shit a lot. You could say it less and still it would be good. But I guess I liked how much you pushed the word "shit" as well, until it became a little over-the-top in a tongue-in-cheek manner.
I thought this poem was a bit of a stand out. I think in poetry a lot of the time my aim is to create an alternative dimension where a reader can experience feeling. So, if my feeling was disco i would want reader to be all up on the dance floor with their eyes closed and the lights and the music,
here it's so different because all the personal detail really enriches it so it's a person specific poem and in that way it's like the beginning of a great movie that draws you in. 'Of Mice and Men' is like that with Gary Sinese and John Malkovich, for me when you watch it there's only one story like that, one set of those particular circumstances, and one way it could be told.
So I liked that about this poem, I liked how richly it was told and the many different notes in it.
I get the general picture about Bukowski
so I liked that you took this 'girl taking a shit in a poem poem'
and added the nuances about experience and the sweetener and the creamer.
I also kind of adored the generational transference, like this was/is about this, but through the door there is my son and that's another thing entirely, that's a wonderful elevation to this poem.
I admire the bluntness, in it, that you achieved, in this girl taking a shit in a poem poem.