800 words about me and my plans. Plans I had plans, not concrete things but generalities. Graduate high school, then college, then marry, have babies before I turn 30. That changed one day when my father said, "We need to dedicate someone in the family to the deen and you are the best candidate." Why did I think that was going to be easy? I was 14 and a wide-eyed babe. I had no idea it was possible or what really an aalimah was. I was excited though and stupid, very stupid.
A year later I met someone who studied in Pakistan. I wasn't impressed with her. She was normal. When she was in teacher mode she was awesome. No nonsense, no apologies awesomeness. She actually likes teaching. I still don't understand that. There was a short-lived madrassah in Fort Worth, where I got my sarf down pat. I met awesome people. I was still excited and stupid, very stupid. Fast forward 15,16,17,18,19. I still wanted to do this. I was still excited and stupid very stupid. Canada here I come and I'm staying for five years. I'm gonna get drunk on Nutella and maple syrup. It's gonna be exciting right?! It was definitely a roller coaster of ups and downs. I still thought I could cheat the system. I can be both good and bad. Rules are meant to be broken. Who thought up that lie? Two years of my life and I come home confused and angry because I don't want to be home anymore. I got used to listening to no one. Independence was exhilarating. What independence, I had no drivers license and had to stay in one building at all times except when going for food. I was dependant on whoever was paying the electric, water, utilities, and food bills. It was a taste of being on my own. I was excited and stupid very stupid. I didn't want to stay at home anymore. International study didn't work, how about Chicago it has amazing scholars and no Urdu learning.
I was serious for a while but sometimes love of attention and being liked got the better of me. Right and wrong, who thinks that clearly. "You talk too much." is not something that is attributed to me. A more exact wording would be, "You tell people too much." I must state here that I in no way am looking for an excuse. I take full responsibility for my actions. I alone am to blame for my misdeeds. I am merely stating that it all doesn't happen in one day. I was excited remember and stupid very stupid. There were many warning signs, many chances for pardon. I never formally got in trouble for anything because 'I should know better!' That didn't work ,clearly. I still make that mistake now, 'knowing better but acting dumb' it is of no wonder to me that I still get called 'beta' by people younger than me or my age. I still look and act dumb. I'm not excited anymore but I'm still stupid slightly less than before.
Reality happened though because of my inability to follow through., to take responsibility, to act my age. Now what do I have, mostly grievances. Have I truly learned to 'shut my mouth'? I don't know. I want this, but for what reason, honor, prestige, to tell others they can go screw themselves. Has it really boiled down to selfishness? I have learned that selfishness is not being able to see the impact of your actions. Why was I doing this again? In the beginning I swore up and down it was for my parents. Not the right intention, but that changed quickly. I think? The ocean of knowledge opened up and I was left amazed and bewildered. Was there an end to it? I was used to learning things only for an exam and quickly forgetting. Not so here, can't do that here. There are consequences.
My purpose, what the is that, really. I don't know. Such potential, that's what I always here. Potential actually translates as, someone wants to take advantage of you but can't at the moment. I am now a mind wasted, a heart stained, and a soul blemished. "You could have been......", been what another zombie spouting the same things. I have seen those xerox copies. I am not a product of a bright light and a green button.
Do I still want this? Truthfully, honestly, yes more than anything. Why, because its a calling, it's what I love, it's what I was meant to do. I got sucked in young and innocent, now I'm a bit aged and very guilty but I can't leave this it's too beautiful. I have pondered over again and again about why I need to finish. I think it's because of the shelter it provides, the connection it fortifies, the ease it exemplifies. A connection to Nabi صلى الله عليه و سلم and the favor of my Lord. Plans yeah I had plans when I was excited and stupid very stupid.