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    dots Submission Name: Beachin' dots

    Author: Chelebel
    Elite Ratio:    2.18 - 53/169/180
    Words: 164
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1074
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1177


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBeachin' dots

    Walking pleasantly on the beach
    The tides pushing against
    The edge
    covering the little
    Holes with bubbles
    Popping with every pull
    Of the tides clinch

    Bubbles washing away
    With each wave.
    These are homes
    Or maybe caves.

    Sea Life beachside
    Sun in my eyes
    Sand coating the skin
    With every movement.

    Taking in life's shimmer
    Glancing at the vastness
    Of the great Atlantic

    Pushing forward against the sand
    My feet determined
    To take a stance

    Thoughts flow with
    The undertow
    Pushing out to sea.

    Names engraved with
    Sentiments of love
    Etched against the sand
    Next to the castles.

    Very few shells
    Sadly. I ponder
    Looking off into

    The sun sets dropping
    Down below the line of
    Pines and palmettos
    The moon aligned

    Venus with all her beauty
    Pulling and tethering
    Against us for the next
    Forty days and forty nights

    Submitted on 2015-07-26 23:50:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      naive charm.

    a little clunky and stream of conscience in certain places but nonetheless enjoyable and quirkily fulfilling for all that, because it achieves what i assume it set out to achieve and that is a sense of being on the surface of the seaside. there is the sound the smell and the feeling all present so in that regard a grand day out.

    i like the general construct which in its way ebbs and flows but you might also take a look at compartmentalising this work in a way by presenting the emotional and physical experiences of being by the sea simply by accentuating the strophe breaks, let's say turning your charming story into 'chapters'…

    for me starting each line with a cap tends to restrict the flow and that in turn develops a tension in your work that might not otherwise be there?

    enjoyable and subtly compelling work.

    | Posted on 2015-07-28 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]

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