[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Beachin' dots

    Author: Chelebel
    Elite Ratio:    2.18 - 53/169/179
    Words: 164
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 966
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1177


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBeachin' dots

    Walking pleasantly on the beach
    The tides pushing against
    The edge
    covering the little
    Holes with bubbles
    Popping with every pull
    Of the tides clinch

    Bubbles washing away
    With each wave.
    These are homes
    Or maybe caves.

    Sea Life beachside
    Sun in my eyes
    Sand coating the skin
    With every movement.

    Taking in life's shimmer
    Glancing at the vastness
    Of the great Atlantic

    Pushing forward against the sand
    My feet determined
    To take a stance

    Thoughts flow with
    The undertow
    Pushing out to sea.

    Names engraved with
    Sentiments of love
    Etched against the sand
    Next to the castles.

    Very few shells
    Sadly. I ponder
    Looking off into

    The sun sets dropping
    Down below the line of
    Pines and palmettos
    The moon aligned

    Venus with all her beauty
    Pulling and tethering
    Against us for the next
    Forty days and forty nights

    Submitted on 2015-07-26 23:50:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      naive charm.

    a little clunky and stream of conscience in certain places but nonetheless enjoyable and quirkily fulfilling for all that, because it achieves what i assume it set out to achieve and that is a sense of being on the surface of the seaside. there is the sound the smell and the feeling all present so in that regard a grand day out.

    i like the general construct which in its way ebbs and flows but you might also take a look at compartmentalising this work in a way by presenting the emotional and physical experiences of being by the sea simply by accentuating the strophe breaks, let's say turning your charming story into 'chapters'…

    for me starting each line with a cap tends to restrict the flow and that in turn develops a tension in your work that might not otherwise be there?

    enjoyable and subtly compelling work.

    | Posted on 2015-07-28 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    After a Dream written by KeeperOfLight
    Tidal written by OneDarkFlame92
    Two written by homeless
    Just a fantasy written by TiaanK
    Blinded by Sight written by Torie
    Forget written by Crestfallenman
    Dreamt written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Confessions and shit... written by Daniel Barlow
    Untitled 2 written by homeless
    I Believed written by homeless
    Buried written by MyPeriodical
    Jar (working title) written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Untitled - 12/12/2017 written by homeless
    Reveled Night written by rev.jpfadeproof
    I Wonder If written by Wolfwatching
    your truest people written by Daniel Barlow
    Moon and Me written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Shading written by saartha
    Un Lugar Para Siempre written by SavedDragon
    No More Damn Love Poems written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Wisp of You written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Untitled - May 14, 2017 written by homeless
    More written by homeless
    Starry night written by rev.jpfadeproof
    BlackBerry Bushes written by Daniel Barlow
    The Phoenetians and Us written by Torie
    Hazy Half-Moon written by rev.jpfadeproof
    'Cause You're Mine, I Walk the Line. written by Torie
    Chapter written by Crestfallenman
    Untitled: June 24, 2018 written by homeless




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]