Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sticky Toffee Minddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elephantasia
    ASL Info:    37/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 398/490/159
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 447
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 530



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSticky Toffee Minddots
    -------------------------------------------


    The Lord is my shepherd
    I shall not BE in want
    I drop "Want"

    Sticky toffee mind
    I shall touch you no longer
    Or at the very least
    Shall lay you down quickly.

    Buffet mind
    I am empty of hunger for you
    I have lost my taste for you.
    For I have supped the pure wine
    Of God
    And Have lost myself in Him.

    Who knows where the sky ends
    And space begins?
    Not I.
    And it is of no concern to me...




    Submitted on 2015-08-13 11:21:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I thought it was a touchy preachy, personally. But then, as a Nihilist Pagan I imagine that's more my fault than yours. I think it is awesome that you appear so wholly satiated with your faith, and I think the food metaphor goes a really long way towards demonstrating how religion seems to "fill us up" so to speak.

    Structurally I would agree with Awkward, thanks for submitting!

    The Raven
    | Posted on 2015-08-26 00:00:00 | by lucianraven | [ Reply to This ]
      This is fantastic. I identify with this as I have a struggle with discipline and self control about food. Chinese buffet you devil! I do think this is brilliant and holy spirit inspired and really made my day. Thank so so much for sharing it.
    | Posted on 2015-08-14 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Thank you for your feedback K. I like yours also and added your last line to mine.
    | Posted on 2015-08-13 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]
      hallelujah.

    epiphenistic and questioning at the same time: which i like. that dynamic typically suits my view on life in which nothing is to be taken for granted.

    i have the meaning(s) etc quite quickly and the approach whilst initially clumsy has patently been thought through. its naivety is alright in that regard.

    for my part i'm broadly comfortable with the whole thing, despite its preachy tone because it has a beginning, a middle and an end so often lacking here on this and probably too many other sites like this.

    all of the above doesn't detract from the fact that it's generally clunky and the last strophe is comfortably removed from the 3 before.

    the following as a suggested alternative:

    The lord is my shepherd.
    So now I shall not be in want.

    I have dropped want, sticky toffee mind
    so I shall touch you no longer:
    or at the very least
    I shall lay you down.
    quickly.

    and buffet mind I am empty of hunger for you.
    I have lost my taste for you.
    For I have supped the pure wine of god.
    And I have lost myself in him.

    Who knows where the sky ends
    and where space begins?
    Not I.
    And it is of no concern to me…


    Take it easy,

    K
    | Posted on 2015-08-13 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    200554

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry