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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sticky Toffee Minddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elephantasia
    ASL Info:    37/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 398/490/159
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 496
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 530



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSticky Toffee Minddots
    -------------------------------------------


    The Lord is my shepherd
    I shall not BE in want
    I drop "Want"

    Sticky toffee mind
    I shall touch you no longer
    Or at the very least
    Shall lay you down quickly.

    Buffet mind
    I am empty of hunger for you
    I have lost my taste for you.
    For I have supped the pure wine
    Of God
    And Have lost myself in Him.

    Who knows where the sky ends
    And space begins?
    Not I.
    And it is of no concern to me...




    Submitted on 2015-08-13 11:21:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I thought it was a touchy preachy, personally. But then, as a Nihilist Pagan I imagine that's more my fault than yours. I think it is awesome that you appear so wholly satiated with your faith, and I think the food metaphor goes a really long way towards demonstrating how religion seems to "fill us up" so to speak.

    Structurally I would agree with Awkward, thanks for submitting!

    The Raven
    | Posted on 2015-08-26 00:00:00 | by lucianraven | [ Reply to This ]
      This is fantastic. I identify with this as I have a struggle with discipline and self control about food. Chinese buffet you devil! I do think this is brilliant and holy spirit inspired and really made my day. Thank so so much for sharing it.
    | Posted on 2015-08-14 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Thank you for your feedback K. I like yours also and added your last line to mine.
    | Posted on 2015-08-13 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]
      hallelujah.

    epiphenistic and questioning at the same time: which i like. that dynamic typically suits my view on life in which nothing is to be taken for granted.

    i have the meaning(s) etc quite quickly and the approach whilst initially clumsy has patently been thought through. its naivety is alright in that regard.

    for my part i'm broadly comfortable with the whole thing, despite its preachy tone because it has a beginning, a middle and an end so often lacking here on this and probably too many other sites like this.

    all of the above doesn't detract from the fact that it's generally clunky and the last strophe is comfortably removed from the 3 before.

    the following as a suggested alternative:

    The lord is my shepherd.
    So now I shall not be in want.

    I have dropped want, sticky toffee mind
    so I shall touch you no longer:
    or at the very least
    I shall lay you down.
    quickly.

    and buffet mind I am empty of hunger for you.
    I have lost my taste for you.
    For I have supped the pure wine of god.
    And I have lost myself in him.

    Who knows where the sky ends
    and where space begins?
    Not I.
    And it is of no concern to me…


    Take it easy,

    K
    | Posted on 2015-08-13 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]


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